2:45am

ladies and gentlement, I'm getting married!

2009-07-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. As of about 40 hours ago John and I are engaged! We both knew this was going to happen, but he was very tricky and sprung it on me on a Tuesday evening when I least expected it! It was a perfect evening with my man, and after he proposed we went to Mozart's to sit by the water while we called our families and close friends to tell them the good news.

Now the fun begins... guest lists, booking venues, and all the other little details you never hear about until you have to plan one of these things (such as wedding insurance. Who knew?). We have 5 months to do this all, and since our parents all live out of state and John will be finishing his thesis, I am going to be one busy, busy bride.

HA! "Bride"! Me! Hard to believe, but here I am. Happier than ever :)

Here is our wedding website if you want to take a look:
http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RuthA.&JohnM.

156 days to go! Let the count-down commence!

writing exercise of the day

2009-05-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

I feel strongly that the glass of water in your hand shouldn't be there.

No, instead you should hold a goblet that gleams, filled to its brim with golden sunlight.

And in partaking of the richest juices that the sun has to offer I am sure you would begin to glitter.

Sunlight would filter through your veins and give your rosy skin a luminous quality possessed or rivaled by none other.

You'd be amazing.

And when the darkness of the evening threatens with its nightmares and hidden evils

the people would turn to you, in all your iridescent glory, and let you light the way.

They would follow you silently over hill and through shadow,

crawl over bones and ridged mountain peaks;

follow you anywhere, you see.

When all else is ensconced in blackness we would follow even the tiniest pin-prick of light.

That light would be to us a beacon in the distance and you,

you with your radiant hands and face and feet,

would be as a lighthouse.

They need a lighthouse. They need a light.

So put away that water glass.

The son has been poured out, and you need only swallow what has been handed to you.

Love.... Don't Love...

2009-05-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

Love... May! And counting down to my Birthday (only 9 more days)!

Don't love... people thinking I am several years older than I am.

Love... watching John ride the cart down the aisle at the grocery store.

Don't love... the refrigerated sections of the store, which make me shiver with cold.

Love... dreaming about the future.

Don't love... waiting for things to happen that I have no control over.

Love... my job on a "normal" week when I am not too busy or overextended.

Don't love... being stuck playing receptionist when my job title is "Support Specialist".

Love... breathing cold air in bed at night.

Don't love... the cost of breathing cold air in bed at night.

Love... Austin.

Don't love... Texas.

Love... All things Google. Especially Google Reader.

Don't love... all things Microsoft. Especially Internet Explorer.

Love... Blogging!

Don't love... trying to come up with something new and interesting to blog about.

Love... painting.

Don't love... trying to find a subject for a painting.

Love... hot showers.

Don't love... sharing a water-heater with anyone else.

Love... John!

Don't love... having a headache when I am hanging out with John.

Love... reading books for fun.

Don't love... being too tired at night to read before bed.

Love... writing this list!

Don't love... trying to figure out a good point to end it on ;)

Lately

2009-05-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

My grandfather was an artist. He painted and he had more than a little talent. He passed away almost two years ago. A year later when I moved to Austin my grandmother began giving me his art supplies. I have always been the artistic grandchild, and I was thrilled to receive such a wealth of paintbrushes and paints, an easel, as well as several pallets and canvases.

I love knowing that he once held these brushes. I love seeing the remnants of his paints on the pallet and remembering what it was like to watch him paint. My one regret is that we never had the chance to paint together. It's funny how life works out. Sometimes I wonder if I would have even taken up painting if he had lived longer.

Not all that long ago I had a bit of an internal crisis over what to do with my life. I would think of these jobs and nothing felt wonderful. In the year or so since then I have come to the realization, with the help of a specific man in my life (who probably doesn't even know it), that a job is not who you are, but one thing that you do. In response to my asking half-jokingly what I should do with the rest of my life, he said this: "Social Worker, Wife, Mother, Guitarist, Novelist, Weekend Painter, Bookshop owner, Travel Junkie. I'm in for any of those."

There will always be jobs. There will probably always be seasons of discontent sprinkled in with happy days and achievements and living life. One job or hobby or task or title does not make up who I am. It's the sum of the parts that make up the whole woman. I am many things. And lately, one of those things is a painter.

Followup Notes:
1. All photos courtesy of my John. Clicking on them will take you to his Flickr site. All content of photos (brushes, paints, painting) is by me.
2. For my birthday (in only 15 days!) my parents are paying for me to take an art class at the local Art Museum. I am very much looking forward to cultivating what natural talent I seem to have.

Back to Blogging

2009-04-28T21:38:00.000-07:00

Hello dear friends and readers (whomever of you may be left),

With two months between this and my last post, I'm feeling well-rested and ready to do some more writing! To fill in the gap for those of you out of the loop, here's what is going on in my world:

My 24th birthday is in just 18 days! Our plans for the occasion are not yet certain, but there is no doubt that it will be better than last year! My birthday is on May 16th-- just a few days before my one-year anniversary of coming to Austin. And what a great year it has been!

John and I have been together for over five months now, and things have continued to progress in our relationship. He finishes up his masters degree in Mechanical Engineering in August. The impending deadline has him working diligently on papers, research, his thesis, and putting out job applications and resumes. We are really hopeful that-- in spite of the economy-- his degree and experience will qualify him for a great job in a great city.

Your prayers would be appreciated. Whatever happens for him will determine a lot of what the next four to eight months will look like for us. The sooner things are finalized with regards to a job, the sooner we can officially make some plans for the future. And those of you who know me well know that I am not very patient when it comes to waiting for things to fall into place!

Well, I had definitely intended to write more, but I just looked at the time. I have got to get some sleep. 23+ year-old Ruth needs a lot more sleep than she once did. Meh. THAT, more than the number, makes me feel old.

Until next time,
Ruth

blog on sabbatical

2009-02-23T10:40:00.000-08:00

hello world,

There are some big things going on in my life and I just can't seem to make blogging a priority these days.... hence there being only one real entry in the new year. So until further notice I have decided to take an official sabbatical from blogging. Don't worry, I will be back. After 5+ years of blogging, I won't be able to stay away for long. :)

Til then,
Ruth

coming soon: New Look

2009-01-30T14:03:00.000-08:00

Because I am tired of the old one. In the mean time, please get a kick out of this vaguely pink and "girly" color scheme.

Highlights of a Friday

2009-01-30T07:29:00.000-08:00

- An e-mail from an old friend.

- An interesting new project at work.

- An AWESOME chocolate-covered strawberry from BJ.

- A compliment from the boss-man.

- A perfect afternoon e-mail from the world's greatest boyfriend.

- An evening to look forward to.

Observations from a Little Cafe

2009-01-25T12:40:00.000-08:00

A girl in a green shirt speaks too loudly. A circle of people in square-framed glasses, knit caps, and serious voices surround her, taking in her sooty words; addicts taking a hit on someone else's second-hand smoke. A raw voice filters around her story, its lyrics drawn out and throaty like a street musician too long in the cold. Turquoise walls call attention to artwork that is brutally expected in a room like this: too many eyes staring out of dark faces. Twisted, bare limbs beckon the viewer to say words like, "deep," or nod slowly as though they comprehend and find beauty in these bruise-colored drawings.

Colored glass casts blue and yellow shadows on glass bottles of coke and IBC cream soda. A ceiling fan overhead gently stirs the flavors of the room together: the green scent of herbs and lettuce, thick mocha lattes and collegiate conversation. This is the kind of place where the creator of those stark and awkward drawings is a regular. It's the kind of place where the onions are picked fresh from the consecutive garden. So fresh and strong is their aroma as they are sliced on to sanwiches-- so intimate is the space--that the patrons' eyes burn and water.

An old man in a tired, brown hat has settled into a leather armchair and a thick volume of 'Tao'. His eyes crinkle behind the narrow frames of tarnished reading glasses. He purses his beard-framed lips in concentration and his hands-- surprisingly graceful-- turn a page.

There are three doors. One leads to the garden, one to the street, and one to the parking lot. The day was warm to begin with, and someone propped open the door to the parking lot to let in the cool breeze. Now the day is cooler and I wish I had some warm socks to slip on my cold feet.

coming soon

2009-01-16T12:33:00.000-08:00

but not today.

It'sChristmas Eve and I did a Really Long Survey

2008-12-23T22:15:00.000-08:00

A
- Available: no
- Age:23
- Annoyance: really long surveys
- Animal: tiger

B
- Birthday: May 16
- Best Friends: know who they are
- Best feeling in the world: feeling loved
- Blind or Deaf: neither
- Best weather: rain!
- Been on stage?: yes
- Believe in Santa: all the cool kids do

C
- Candy: simoi
- Color: red
- Chinese/Mexican: mexican
- Cake or pie: cake, please
- Continent to visit: europe
- Country to visit: Ireland, England, Greece... pick one
- Cheese: feta

D
- Day or Night: NIGHT.
- Dance in the rain: absolutely. It's what living is all about.

E
- Eyes: brown
- Everyone's got a(n): crazy family
- Ever failed a class?: yes

F
- Full name: those who know me, know my full name
- First thoughts waking up: "noooooooooooo....!"
- Food: yes, please

G
- Greatest Fear: losing the people I love
- Goals: job I love, family of my own, travel the world.
- Get along with your parents?: for the most part
- Good luck charm: YOU

H
- Hair Color: brown
- Height: 5'7"
- Happy: Happy Christmas!
- Holiday: Happy Christmas!
- How do you want to die: at the end of a long, fulfilling life, surrounded my those I love.

I
- Ice Cream: cinnamon bun
- Instrument: acoustic guitar
J
- Jewelry: silver
- Job: Software Support Specialist

K
- Kids: someday
- Keep a journal?: on my better days
L
- Love: definitely in favor
- Letters: S, C, X, R
- Laugh: what are you asking? Some of these things are real Lame.

M
- Milk flavor: chocolate
- Movies: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Shawshank Redemption, Little Miss Sunshine, Pride and Prejudice, Love Actually, Silence of the Lambs, etc.
- Motion sickness?: never
- McD’s or BK: I don't do fast food.

N
- Number of Siblings: 2
- Number of Piercings: 2
- Number: 7

O
- One wish: That's for ME to know...

P
- Perfect Pizza: thin crust, white pizza with spinach and 4 cheeses
- Pepsi/Coke: neither, thanks

Q
- Quail: I don't eat things that start with the letter 'Q'.

R
- Reason to cry: heartache
- Radio Station: 94.7
- Roll your tongue in a circle?: yes
- Ring size: 5 1/2 or 6, depends on the finger.

S
- Song: i cant choose...
- Shoe size: nine to a ten
- Salad Dressing: caesar
- Sushi: delicious (no eel, please)
- Skipped school: yes
- Slept outside: yes-- so nice on a warm summer night!
- Smoked?: not unless I want to be miserable! I can't be near that sort of thing without it triggering a violent migraine.
- Shower daily? yes
- Sing well?: relatively
- sing In the shower?: duh!
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries.

T
- Time for bed: midnight if I am working the next day
- Thunderstorms: YES. I LOVE them.

U
- Unpredictable: depends on whom you ask.

V
- Vacation spot: anywhere NEW

W
- Weakness: if you read my blog you are probably at least as aware of my many weaknesses as I myself am.
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: uh... it depends on how I am acting :)
- Who makes you laugh the most: Lauren and Jessica
- Worst feeling: being alone
- Wanted to be a model?: no.
- Where do we go when we die?: Heaven, but I can only speak for myself
- Worst Weather?: Tornado weather. -_-

X
X-Rays: I have had countless of them. It's a miracle I don't glow in the dark.

Y
-Year it is now: 2008
-Yellow: notsomuch.

Z
- Zoo animal: el tigre

I should be working, but...

2008-12-10T17:27:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting on the floor next to the fireplace hearth. My apartment is cold, but the fire snapping and flickering nearby warms me nicely. A little music playing in the background, a mug of hot-chocolate to sip on... it's a lovely winter evening. A few people have asked me recently how I am doing-- I guess I haven't been doing my best to keep in touch.

But what is there to say, really? The economy has me on edge because of car payments and student loans. But I am blessed with job security and a steady paycheck. It's too expensive to go home for the holidays so, for the first time, I will have Christmas without my parents and sister. But I am blessed with nearby extended family with whom I can spend the holidays. I am doing well. I have a few worries and complaints, but compared to so many in the world-- even in this country-- I am living well. I have friends and family, a church of genuine, God-centered people... I have my health. I even have a date this weekend with a really interesting, intelligent, fun guy. And even if I lost all that, I'd still have my God, without whom it's all meaningless anyway, right?

I can't complain.

Songs I'm Liking

2008-12-03T11:05:00.000-08:00

Honey, Let Me Sing You a Song - Matt Hires

Black Mule - The Go-Betweens

Copperline - James Taylor

Friend of Mine - John Hiatt

Bent - Matt Nathanson

Lullabye for Baby - Audrey Auld

I Had No Intentions - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

Hjartao Hamast - Sigur Ros

1842 - Sam Amidon

Svenfn-g-Englar - Sigur Ros

These Streets - Paolo Nutini

Fiery Crash - Andrew Bird

Thanksgiving Eve Survey

2008-11-26T08:12:00.000-08:00

How old will you turn in 2009?
24... almost a quarter of a century! (aaaaaaand.... now I feel old)

Would you date someone 8 years older than you?
Sure.

What were you doing at 4am?
I think that is actually right about the time I woke up in desperate need of a drink of water.

What's your relationship with the person you last texted?
He is a friend and co-worker.

What did you do today?
Just work. It's been really quiet. I think I am about to have to bite the bullet and work on this statistical project I have been putting off.

What is the last card game you played?
Skip-Bo.

What movie do you really want to see right now?
Australia

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
Well, I certainly hope not... then again, sometimes you don't realize until later that it was.

Where are your siblings?
In Drippin'! I can't wait to see them today!

Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?
Yes. And we ended up quite close again.

Do you know a secret about your ex and if he/she pisses you off will you tell?
That's pretty low behavior. I wouldn't stoop to that level. Besides, secrets tend to go both ways...!

Do you want kids someday?
Most definitely.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
I have several.

Did you go out or stay in last night?
Went out. The Tavern for Inklings. Good times :)

When is your next road trip?
Good question! Let's plan one soon!

Are your parents in love?
Absolutely.

Last time you saw your parents?
wellll.... I guess my mom came to the states in... September? So I saw her then. My parents both came to the states this past summer though, so the last time I saw my dad would have been the end of July.

Who was the last person to give you a ride somewhere?
Nicole.

What were your first thoughts this morning?
"What is making that NOISE??" (it was my phone. I forgot to turn on my alarm last night so when my phone alarm went off I was already late).

Are you a jealous person?
I have my moments....

Where was your default taken?
In my apartment.

What side of a heart do you draw first?
The left, I guess.

What is bothering you right now?
That last question. It was pretty random.

Is it worth crying over a guy/girl?
It can be... but all too often the guys I am crying over were NOT worth it.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
I have been told that I have a great poker face. But there are a few people who seem to have the uncanny ability to read me like a book.

Is there any meaning behind your profile song?
There was at the time. Can't recall now.

Do you believe what comes around goes around?
To some degree.

Do you trust people easily?
I used to.

One thing you're looking forward to?
Seeing my sisters tonight!

Is it harder to be rejected or to reject someone else?
oh MAN. Both really suck. But being rejected is definitely worse.

What was the last thing you drank?
Coffee. The good kind :)

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Both. I've been really blessed in that regard.

Do you like pulpy orange juice?
No. If I drink juice I want it to be pulp-less.

Have you ever gone to therapy?
Sure. Of many varieties. All thanks to that wretched car wreck. Physical therapy, occupation therapy, and counseling when the PTSD got disruptive a year after the fact.

Would you ever parachute off of a plane?
If my life was in danger, of course. For fun? Probably not.

Is your birthday on a holiday?
Nope-- it's all mine :)

Do you want to hit something?
Um, no?

Were you happy when you woke up today?
I am never happy when I wake up. Waking up does NOT equal happiness.

Are you texting someone right now?
No. The last text I sent was six days ago.

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hated?
I don't think so?

"Bush"-Whacking the Environment

2008-11-20T14:20:00.000-08:00

Well, in the twilight of his presidency Bush seems determined to fully realize his potential as one of the most deleterious leaders in US history. His latest offense: working hard to complete by deadline a regulation that would remove the role of scientists in the process for determining and protecting endangered species and habitats. According to the AP story,

"The rules eliminate the input of federal wildlife scientists in some endangered species cases, allowing the federal agency in charge of building, authorizing or funding a project to determine for itself it is likely to harm endangered wildlife and plants."

Read the story here.

Other "midnight regulations" on Bush's agenda include: rules to allow “factory farms” to ignore the Clean Water Act; rules making it more difficult for employees to take family or medical leave; rules that hinder the government's ability to to limit workers’ exposure to toxins; and ease of restrictions for companies that blow up mountains in order to mine the coal underneath them.

Add these little jewels onto the crown that is the war in Iraq, his handling of 9/11, and most recently his handling of the financial crisis. Destroying the environment. What a legacy to leave behind.

What to Do With a Love Like That

2008-11-14T06:42:00.000-08:00

For the last several weeks my church, Immanuel Austin, has been focusing on Micah 6:8, "What does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God". It seems like pretty basic stuff, but the more we have delved into the meat of these things, the more imperative and non-comforming such actions are. It can be a little daunting, particularly when one is faced with the task of doing justice in this world, loving kindness in this world, and walking humbly in this world.

I have taken to switching from radio to a CD when it gets dark and I'm driving, and recently the CD I have been listening to is David Crowder Band's Remedy. I highly reccomend it. But there is one specific song that seems very appropriate, so I thought I'd share it with you now:

Artist: David Crowder Band
Album: Remedy
Title: Surely We Can Change

And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn’t hit

And I don’t know
What to do with a love like that
And I don’t know
How to be a love like that

When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do

Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy

And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something

And the problem it seems
Is with you and me
Not the Love who came
To repair everything

And I don’t know
What to do with a love like that
And I don’t know
How to be a love like that

When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do

Where there is pain
Let us bring grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Let us be brave
Where there is misery
Let us bring them relief

And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Oh surely we can change
Something

Oh, the world’s about to change
The whole world’s about to change

Tag, I'm It...

2008-11-07T10:19:00.000-08:00

Lauren tagged me, and I was so caught up in election blogging I am just now getting around to this: My directions are to post the 6th picture in my 6th album on my computer (in my case facebook) and then explain it.

This is a picture taken from the veranda of my home, Christmas a couple of years ago. Beyond the two trees you can see the golf course, which extends basically to the airport runway. On the other side of the runway is the ocean, and then off in the distance you can see Aunu'u, which is an even smaller island that is part of our same island group.

Man. Now I am really home sick :(

Now I supposed to tag six people. Do I even know six people to tag? Let's see...

Nicole, Cary, Sarah, Heidi, Travis, and Kester. Just for the record, you are the only 6 people I know that still blog actively. I won't be offended if you don't play along *grin*

You're a good man, John McCain

2008-11-05T06:52:00.001-08:00

John McCain is a good and gracious man. Not a savior, any more than Obama is a savior; not the antichrist, any more than Obama is the antichrist. He worked hard, campaigned hard, and won the support of many Americans. On a day when it seems the nation is split between hope and despair, and I want to take a moment to highlight some words from his own concessions speech.

"I urge all Americans ... I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our goodwill and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited. Whatever our differences, we are fellow Americans. And please believe me when I say no association has ever meant more to me than that."

The race is over, and McCain did not win. But he has not called for anger, revenge, despair, or contempt. On the contrary, his words remind us that we are ONE nation. ONE America.

"I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president. And I call on all Americans, as I have often in this campaign, to not despair of our present difficulties, but to believe, always, in the promise and greatness of America, because nothing is inevitable here."

I understand what some of you are feeling. I felt that way four years ago. But I appreciate the sentiments of people on both sides of the political arena: it's not up to one man or one party to save this country. It's up to the people. If people would get as invested in the important issues of the nation and the world as we have been in this election, nothing could stop us.

Do pray. Not because Obama is some plague we have elected into office, but because we are a nation being ripped out of apathy, and in order for change to really occur we are going to need to God's help. And a focus on something we can both believe in.

Election Day Thoughts Part 2: Making it Count

2008-11-04T11:52:00.001-08:00

Election-Day Thoughts

2008-11-04T08:51:00.000-08:00

10. Polls are open, lines are long, and red tape is making some people nervous. Including me.

9. Anybody else still getting ridiculous rumors about the candidates, spread via e-mail and social networking sites? I'm ashamed that our election is so caught up in fear-mongering and lies... and even more ashamed that they seem to work with so many people.

8. When I voted 2 1/2 weeks ago I was surprised that I had never even heard of the third-party candidate. Bob Barr, anybody? While I am supportive of their rights as candidates and the rights of the people to vote for whomever they choose, I can't help but feel frustrated by those who do vote for these people. They aren't going to win, and all it does is take valuable votes away from those who actually have a shot at the White House.

7. I get so caught up in the election, I keep forgetting the most important thing: Bush has only 76 (and a little bit) days left in office!

6. http://donmilleris.com/

5. I remember the last election... I knew VERY few people who agreed with me. Now mind you I was not a big fan of Kerry, but I was SURE he had to be better than Bush. Four years later, I stand by that assessment. But this year I have been pleasantly surprised by the number of people I know who have come out in support of Obama. Some republicans seem to think this has something to do with his age or his race, and I am sure there are people for whom one or both of those were the deciding factors. But after 8 years of Bush, a lot of people seem to realize that what we've had hasn't been working, and John McCain is more of the same.

4. I wonder what Palin is thinking about as the day progresses?

3. I have made no secret of who I support and have voted for. I have made no accusations or spread rumors; I have not told you that my candidate is the only right answer, or that you are a bad Christian if you vote for McCain. So why is it that those who disagree with me do so without respect or consideration? Is it out of fear? If one more Christian tells me I am going to hell OR that I am LEADING OTHERS TO HELL because of my politics, I am going to scream. Maybe not scream. Maybe just pray for God to forgive them for their judgmental hearts and words.

2. But really, this is what it all comes down to: win or lose, we are still one nation of 50 United States. United being the key word.

1. And win or lose, if we are Christians today we will still be Christians tomorrow, and still be called to love our neighbor and our enemy regardless of politics or president.

How NOT to do Customer Service:

2008-10-31T11:23:00.000-07:00

Actual Conversation:

Me: I am calling from KaleidaCare; I need to speak with someone about an order I just received.

Her: I'm sorry, there's no one here to help you.

Me:

Her: Nah! I'm just playin' widja!

Me:

Her: Is there a problem with the order?

Me: Yes. [proceed to describe the problem].

The conversation did no improve much over the next 10 minutes. I may not always be a perfect customer service representative, but I DO know that if that's how she handles all her calls, she won't have a job much longer.

Hope Prevails

2008-10-29T07:44:00.000-07:00

Today I received a MySpace bulletin from an otherwise intelligent person who has seemingly fallen into the trap of lies laid out by religious, right-wing fear-mongers. Since the request was made that those who disagree with him not respond to him directly, I shall take this opportunity to address the issue in a blog. After all, he is not the only person from which I received such biased, lie-based "information".

1. Regardless of your stance of Muslims, the Muslim faith, or the use of profiling by our national government, OBAMA IS NOT A MUSLIM. While Barack's father was a Muslim by birth, he had stopped practicing and become an agnostic by the time he met and married Barack's mother. Barack's mother was not a Muslim either.

2. The book of Revelation does not even use the term "antichrist", much less describe it as being a 40-something, male descendant of the Muslim faith.
In fact, the term "antichrist" comes from the books of 1st and 2nd John:

"Dear children, it is the last hour; and as you have heard that Antichrist is coming, so now many antichrists have risen; whereby we know it is the last hour.
" 1John 2:18

"Who is the liar but he who denies that Jesus is the Christ? He is the antichrist who denies the Father and the Son.
" 1John 2:22

"And every spirit that severs Jesus, is not of GOD, but is of antichrist of whom you have heard that he is coming, and now is already in the world." 1John 4:3.

I'm sorry, but where exactly does it say anything about the antichrist being of muslim descent? Or even in his 40's?

3) The only fact I was able to find in the bulletin sent to me is the fact that this pack of lies is an "opinion". An opinion, by one definition, is "a belief or conclusion held with confidence but not substantiated by positive knowledge or proof". Although, in this case a more appropriate term would be misrepresentation.

You can say the earth is flat all you want, but at the end of the day the fact remains: the earth is round, and only your story falls flat.

In conclusion, with only six days left to get out and vote, I encourage you to do your research first. Vote for McCain or vote for Obama, but do it based on FACT and TRUTH-- NOT based on gullibility in a pack of lies circulated by people who are counting on you not to do your homework.

magic little pills

2008-10-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

After much chastising from friends and family, I finally went to see the doctor about my migraines. He asked me a few questions, handed me a prescription, a couple of free samples, and sent me out the door. Okay, so that is the truncated version, but the details are not what is important here. What is important here, is drugs.

I left Inklings a little early tonight because I could feel one coming on, and I immediately went into self-preservation mode. Which basically means the following: get home as quickly as possible, before it affects my vision and/or driving; take care of as much as possible when I get home; set my alarms; take a hot shower; and climb into bed so I can sleep it off. I had been driving about 5 minutes when I remembered the free sample the doc had given me. Right there, a few layers of (stubborn) plastic between me and this pill. To be honest, I really debated taking it. I mean, I only have 2 free pills... but if not now, when? So, with some difficulty, I managed to break into the package and popped the self-dissolving (ingenious!) pill onto my tongue. That was 1 hour ago. And though I am in bed, and I still have a bit of a headache over my right eye, it is NOTHING like what it could be. It is not even nearly as bad as it was when I took the pill.

So now I can't help but wonder-- what would a life with fewer migraines be like? Imagine the TIME I will get back. And the energy! Fewer migraines means fewer post-migraine-slump-days. Fewer, I-wish-I-could-but-I-just-can't occasions.

All thanks to this magic little pill.

A really long survey I did in the middle of the night on Friday.

2008-10-24T22:49:00.000-07:00

This time last October, what was your love life like?
Well, I THOUGHT it was great... hindsight is 20/20, as they say.

Last person to make you smile?
Patrick, ironically

Who can you blame for your bad mood today?
I had a good day today-- no bad mood.

Did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl?
Oh, there's usually SOMEONE that I waste too much time thinking about. But actually, right now there is not.

Do you think you are an argumentative person?
Sometimes...

Skittles or Starburst?
Pink starbursts only, please.

Do you wash you hair in the shower?
Yes, but not every day

Do you care what others think about you?
Yes, to some degree. But the older I get, the less it matters to me.

How was last night?
Hmm, last night I re-seamed my comforter and watch Chalk. Not a bad night, but nothing exciting.

Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again?
No. Everyone I ever kissed I definitely saw again.

How are you feeling right now?
cold.

Last time you laughed?
A little earlier in a conversation I was having online. I made a Palin joke. It was funny.

Excited about anything?
Yes. I VOTED today! Also, I get to sleep in tomorrow!

Who were the first 2 people you heard this morning?
JB and Sandy on the radio on my way to work.

What's a happy time you've had in the past week?
This evening I met my Grams for dinner and a movie. In between I went to vote and we ran into my aunt there. So the three of us went shopping, and it was cool and lovely out, and a nice time together.

Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
I believe in celebrating the important ones.

Have you ever had a difficult relationship?
Oh yes.

Have you ever stayed in a hotel?
More times than I could possibly count.

If you could change your eye color would you?
I always wanted green eyes.

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Of course. I am still very good friends with one of my ex's.

How old is the first person in your top friends?
27

What color shirt are you wearing?
n/a

What's something someone you like can do that makes you melt?
That's rather personal, isn't it? But, for starters, he can tell me simply and honestly how he feels.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Meh.

Why is the song you picked for your myspace your song?
It struck a chord with me.

What's one thing that would instantly make you dislike a person?
People who are smilingly condescending.

Why are you doing this quiz?
Because. It's after 1am and I am alone and bored and needed something to do.

Do you like things in life to stay how they are or would you change them?
I'm always on the lookout for good changes, but I am also relatively content these days.

If you won a lot of money on the lottery, what would you buy first?
Psh. I'd pay off my car, my school loans, and my medical bills.

What was the last thing you purchased?
A movie ticket to The Secret Life of Bees

Could you forgive a girlfriend/boyfriend for cheating on you?
It would be very difficult. I trust easily, but once broken I have a hard time trusting again.

What's your greatest fear in life?
Being alone

Do you have a best friend?
Not really

Who last texed you last?
the company VP

Are you afraid of death?
No

Can money buy happiness?
No, but it can buy relief and ease of circumstance.

What do your friends call you?
Ruth, Ruthie, Rufus, Rudy, Ruthers, Rashley, Ruth Erin

Has anyone upset you in the last week?
Yes, but mildly

Do you think you would be a good parent?
I think I would be a great mom.

Do you think your first love affects the way you go on with life?
I know it has.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
My own.

Have you held hands with anybody in the past week?
Nope.

What are you doing tomorrow?
THAT is a GREAT question. I have no plans.

Do you like to cuddle?
I am a sucker for cuddling

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
at this very moment, my cat Bella who is apparently in heat. But in general, bills.

Have you spoken to your mother today?
No. I talked to her on... Monday?

Where were you an hour ago?
Right here

How many hours did you sleep last night?
7

What was the last movie you watched?
The Secret Life of Bees

Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past month?
Yes

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
Yes. I live in Austin, after all

Last thing you ate?
A tortilla

How long has it been since you've seen the Lion King?
Oh man. I have no idea. 10 years?

Do you miss someone?
I miss lots of people, but most particularly my sisters right now.

Are you tired?
Getting there. Thanks to this survey.

Are you mad?
No.

Last beverage?
Arnold Palmer

Is there something you want to tell someone?
Yes, but I am not going to. Shyness wins out every time.

Last time you went to church?
Wednesday evening. And it was awesome.

What are you wanting?
A date would be nice...

What is your name if you spell it without the letters 'e', 'y', and 't'?
Ruh

Are you scared of spiders?
All of them except daddy long legs.

Do you have a piercing?
Just my ears

Do you like being around a large group of friends, or two best friends?
Yes.

Ever bite someone else’s tongue?
Their tongue? No

Whose birthday is coming up this month that you know of?
I'm sure facebook will let me know.

Do you like roller-coasters?
Not particularly.

What's the best feeling in the world?
Loving someone and knowing they feel the same way.

Next vacation?
Not sure

Are you ashamed of anything in your past?
I have done shameful things, but they have been covered by Christ. I no longer feel guilty for them.

Things I Learned in Driver's Ed

2008-10-21T07:29:00.000-07:00

As most of my readers are probably aware, I grew up on a tiny island in the South Pacific. When people find out they always ask me, "What was that like?", to which I can only shrug and reply, "I don't know... it was normal. To us, anyway. I really didn't have anything to compare it to." Even so, there were some things I knew were unique to my experience. One such experience: driver's ed.

For starters, there was not anywhere you could actually go to take driving lessons. You just had to... well, get practice on your own time. Then when you felt ready, there was a 5 day course that you had to attend to learn all the signs and laws and things that you don't learn just from trial and error out on the road. Every morning I showed up on time and waited, with 20 other kids my age, for the instructor. He was always at least an hour late. Once in the classroom he taught us... well, I don't actually remember learning much. The one thing I DID learn and retain came rather in handy in my dream last night.

In my dream I was late to work. I was driving my car and my older sister was in the passenger seat. I was taking the roads a little too fast and as we came around one bend I didn't turn the wheel sharply enough. The car went over the side of the cliff and into the ocean. Here is where driver's ed came in handy: against all odds my car is sinking into the ocean, and I know exactly what to do to get myself and my sister out safely: the front of the car sinks first because of the weight of the engine. We climb into the back so that we have air for longer. Once the car is completely submerged we quickly roll down the windows and squeeze out, swimming to the surface. We can see people peering over the guardrails at us in astonishment and concern as we swim to shore. Quite the dream, eh?

And who knows HOW it would have ended if I hadn't taken driver's ed back home and learned how to get out of a car should you find yourself unexpectedly in the ocean instead of on the road.

Score one for ingenuity

2008-10-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

A few days before I left Little Rock to move back to Texas, Patrick and I were hanging out and ended up playing several intense games of Guess Who. I'm sure you all remember the game from our childhood: you take turns guessing physical traits of various people and, by process of elimination, try to determine who your opponent is before he discovers who YOU are. We had an outstanding time of it, and I told him that the next time he is in hospital I would figure out a way for us to play Guess Who, even if it meant sending him half of a game and keeping the other half for myself. Well, he has been in for a few days now (unless he got out and didn't tell me yet), so tonight I was looking around online and found the GREATEST youtube video.

Needless to say, after I finished laughing, I sent it to Patrick. Along with this link.

Never let it be said that I don't follow through on my promises :)

Drive Until Autumn

2008-10-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

Two years ago I wrote this poem. Now, once again, I find myself longing for a certain kind of place. When I penned this verse it was just a dream of something I might someday know firsthand. Today it is the memory of the season as I experienced last year-- possibly the single-most thing I miss about living in Little Rock.

Drive Until Autumn, by REA

Drive until bushes become trees
and birds become empty nests
and green becomes an orange
blanket on a frozen ground.
Where even the trees shiver as the
north wind blows away their lovely spring attire.
Drive past the lonely houses that sit
alone in mellow fields
and find the homes that burrow into
nests of lovely leaves
and light early fires
to warm the belly where the children play.
Drive and drive
and leave behind the mild afternoons.
Find the places where an early evening
is scented with the spice of cloves
and ginger.
Find the places where scarves come out
before Jack-o-lanterns do.
Drive until the world tips and slips into its
golden nightgown; where it wraps itself
in red flannel and sighs goodnight before the winter.
Drive until autumn.

if I stare at this screen long enough

2008-10-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

Prayer works.

Sometimes it works because God hears us and answers.

Sometimes it works because we hear others and respond.

And sometimes it works because we finally hear ourselves.

undeserving but grateful

2008-10-07T18:15:00.000-07:00

Peace (Jennifer Knapp)

He is my Light and my Salvation
Whom have I to fear
In His secret place I'll hide and pray
That I might hear a simple word
O, how I would have despaired
If You had not come found me there
I can lean against You throne and find my Peace
Find my Peace
And when my enemies draw near
I pray that they will find
That I'm protected and secure
All tempests He will bind with a mighty word
O, how I would have despaired
If You had not come found me there
I can lean against You throne and find my Peace
Find my Peace
He is my Light and my Salvation whom have I to fear?

running in place

2008-10-06T16:48:00.001-07:00

For the first time I truly understand how he felt.

Ugly Ignorance

2008-09-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

My younger sister and I were having a relxed lunch at Arby's when we began to overhear the conversation between two older men at the table beside us. According to these men:

- Obama is a Muslim

- Obama is a racist

- Michelle Obama is also a racist

- Obama has two other wives in Africa

- Obama was not originally an American citizen

- Obama is an upstart and the problem with this nation is that all the young people are falling for his lies

I caught the eye of one of the men as we stood up to leave and could not help but give him a look. I am consistently astounded by the political ignorance of people who seem to be otherwise intelligent human beings. It angers me to hear conmversations like that and know that nothing I could say to these men would make one iota of difference. They are determined to believe lies or the truth.

Amen, sista

2008-09-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

Sarah posted this today and I have to say I agree with her completely. It's always a little worrying when people seem to hold politicians on the same level as Christ.

Attack of the Giant Tarantula

2008-09-19T06:35:00.000-07:00

I had a horrid dream last night.

In my dream I was standing in my living room. I needed to turn out the lights, but there were these massive occupied spiderwebs blocking the way. I decided the only thing to do was use acid to burn those spiders and their webs so I could get to the lights.

Somebody was in the room with me... my little siser, perhaps? And she argued with me over using the acid on the poor, innocent creatures. Just then I felt something on my head. I could see long, hair legs in my periferal vision. It was a massive tarantula on my head. In panic, I grabbed it with both hands, even as I choked out a fearful scream. It burned my hands like every hair on its body was infused with poison. I could not let go.

My sister shouted at me to be still, and I tried, fear crawling up my body just as the massive spider had. But the spider launched itself at my face and I was forced to pry it from me with both hands again, in spite of the wretched burning. This happened twice more before the dream ended.

I awoke momentarily, relief washing over me like a cooling salve.

And then I went back to sleep in search of more peaceful dreams.

Worry

2008-09-16T10:25:00.000-07:00

Like a creeping darkness it descends on you, prying your fingers like bones from around your heart. The control you think you own is a mere shadow-- a shift in the light that no man can pin down nor contain. There is a breath of air between now and then. You don't understand. You breathe too deeply.

30 things (off the top of my head) that annoy me

2008-09-10T07:32:00.000-07:00

1. People who use the word "precious" to describe anything but babies or possessed jewelry.

2. People who list "shopping" among their major hobbies.

3. Getting up before 10am.

4. Unnecessarily spicy foods.

5. Technological devices that don't do what they are supposed to do.

6. Unnecessarily salty foods.

7. Cakes that look really good but end up having butter-icing on them.

8. Migraines.

9. People who make comments about "that time of the month".

10. Pointless action films.

11. People who make decaf coffee and don't tell you.

12. Waitstaff who assume when you say "Dr. Pepper" you mean "Diet Dr. Pepper".

13. People who don't use their blinker when switching lanes, turning, or weaving in and out of traffic.

14. Internet Explorer

15. Microsoft anything.

16. Windows. Especially Vista.

17. Mechanics who try to convince you to do things to your car that you don't really need to do.

18. Christians who say that Democrats are going to hell.

18. Dubya.

19. The US healthcare system.

20. My garbage disposal, which is too loud.

21. Cockroaches.

22. Brittney Spears.

23. Certain accents.

24. People who sing through their nose.

25. People who don't even attempt to understand the difference between "there", "their", and "they're".

26. Big egos.

27. People who use internet slang (i.e. l8r, ttyl, u, ur, etc) in business and professional writing, including e-mails.

28. Internet browser toolbars of any way, shape, or form.

29. People who are happy all the time.

30. Outlook, which keeps crashing and preventing me from getting my work done.

sometimes, one song in particular...

2008-09-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

"Words" by Darren Hayes

Gimme a taste of what's to come
Give me a medicine
Teach me a lesson, maybe I deserve to know
Cut me down to size and paralyze me
With the contents of your pretty little head

Gimme somewhere else to go
Give me one thing
Tell me something I don't really need to know
I am so afraid of breaking what we made
It is delicate and lovely
But it's a weight above me

And your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen to your words

I'd like to step into your world
Show me a secret
I promise to keep it safe and sheltered from the storm
I would cross the great divide that keeps me swimming
Treading water from your shore

Now I wanna coax you from your hell
Into an alley, the hidden valley
Where the truth can surely spill
I wanna take the weight that drags you to the ground
Spare this treasure that I found

But your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen...

There's a lock, someone's stolen the key
They took it away from me
Somewhere that noone can read ya
I see a bible
I see a bible in your eyes
All those codes and hidden meanings
Full of metaphor
and something for the faithless in me

But your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide
And your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen to your words

Wednesday. Day of Blah

2008-09-03T07:40:00.000-07:00

I was up waaay to late last night. And now I am exhausted. Two breakfast tacos and a giant cup of coffee have helped, somewhat, but not enough. And for some reason I am having breathing issues today, as well. It's like I can't fill my lungs up with oxygen-- just shallow little gulps. Not fun. I'm sure the stress of work is not helping that.

Another day of server issues, another day of trying to keep my head above water. Since I started this job nearly every day has had some sort of big issue in it that keeps me from ever catching up. It is frustrating to be the bearer of bad news to our customers... it is frustrating to see the affect this is most likely having on our credibility. But mostly, I am just exhausted.

I wanna stay home tonight with my head on my pillow and just stare at the TV.

But first I have to go pay way too much money to pick up my car from the mechanic down in Dripping Springs. Drive 45 minutes back. I need to go to church, too.

I also need a nap.

This. Is. Me. (and Becky)

2008-09-03T07:11:00.001-07:00

randomness

2008-08-25T14:25:00.000-07:00

What's with all the "Paris Hilton" spam lately? I periodically go empty my spam folder, and lately it seems like 2/3 of what's in there has her name on it. Ridiculous. The other third are made up of unrecognizable characters, if you're wondering.

Big changes at work... today was absolutely chaotic. It seems that everything that could have gone wrong did, and because of the latest change to my job description, it actually had a major impact on how my day went. Case in point, I didn't even get around to eating lunch until after 2.

Letting Go

2008-08-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

It's strange how one day or one moment, can change everything.
I think I've come to love the change that I used to fear.
No more holding on to things of the past.
--

PostSecret
See a Secret, Share a Secret
(new secrets added every Sunday)
The Facebook Group

here we go again...

2008-08-16T21:01:00.000-07:00

I should not be blogging. If anything, I should be putting pen to paper in an attempt at furthering the process of this book that I can't seem to convince to come into existence.

Why is it so hard to figure things out? I keep asking myself this, yet I get no closer to an answer. Does anyone have the answer? Or is this the secret question that we all harbor deep within ourselves while trying to convince the rest of the world that we have it all figured out...? I dislike these circular questions.

I know myself quite well. This is an accomplishment that has taken much literal blood, sweat, and tears. I know who I am and I know what I need. But I seem to have difficulty in conveying this to those around me. Is it fear that causes me to falter? Is it a quality of my introverted nature? Or perhaps the rest of the world chooses to be blind. The last possibility would be easiest on me, and most frightening. For all my fear of performance, I do crave the recognition of others. That is one of my weaknesses. I hope you are not taking notes.

Why can't I write this book?
Why can't I find what I am looking for?
And half a dozen other why questions that I can not bring myself to admit to the world (no offense, world)...

REA

Political Spam and the American Public

2008-08-14T08:44:00.000-07:00

It has begun. I guess I am only surprised it has taken this long. Throughout the history of the world, politics have been steeped in false claims and vicious rumors. With the invention of the internet political attacks are now taking place on a much broader field. Like an infectious disease the twisted reports, purported as truth, are sent out to infect the masses. The result? In mere moments huge numbers of people are exposed.

I currently receive an average of two e-mails a day telling me why my candidate of choice is: a) a money-grubbing fear monger, b) evil, c) out to destroy the US, or at the very best d) the wrong man for the job. These e-mails have pictures, spout statistics and numbers like there's no tomorrow, and make bold claims about promises and threats made. Some of them even tell me to go look at snopes.com, or some other reputable site, where their ridiculous claims can be verified. BUT, if you go to the site and actually do the reading, most if not all of the claims are as genuine as the canned meat for which they are named.

The really scary thing is that most people don't take the time to verify the facts. Let's face it-- a lot of people probably don't even know where to look. That's okay. It would be silly to spend so much time doing the necessary research to understand the issues and what the candidates' stances are. These days educated voters are few and far between, it seems. And I am not trying to be all high-and-mighty; I do not consider myself the most educated person when it comes to politics. To a large degree I get confused the more political a conversation gets. BUT I have done enough research to determine which issues I feel strongly about AND which candidate's stance is most relevant. Have you?

I challenge you to do some research. At the very least look through the following links, and try not to pass on farce as fact:

Obama on the Issues

McCain on the Issues

A Comparison of Obama and McCain

CNN's 2008 Election Center

And whatever you believe, get out and VOTE!

Just Another Manic Monday

2008-08-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

Items of Interest:

Development of Real-Life Invisibility Cloak

Big Brother (Google) is Watching You

Dell Trying Green on for Size

--

See a Secret, Share a Secret. New Secrets posted every Sunday.

I Killed Bush

2008-08-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

Unintentionally. That's the name of my cousins' goldfish that chose the weekend I was pet-sitting to depart. It was disgusting, and I have officially decided never to own a pet fish. It will be interesting to see what kind of hits I get based on the title of this blog. If I'm not already on some list somewhere, I may soon be.

I am fighting off another migraine today. That makes 5 in less than 2 weeks, 3 in less than 4 days. It is so frustrating! Not only do migraines suck, but the day after a migraine I am always sapped of energy. And I keep missing things. Thankfully, I am officially insured now... so I can start making plans to see a doctor. Hopefully they will give me some miracle pills to take the pain away. Or at least take the edge off.

Single in the City

2008-08-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

So here I am: new job, new city, new friends, new everything. New life, and I'm loving it! And it has now been approximately four months since I swore off men and dating. A little side effect of getting burned by someone I trusted. I haven't exactly had the best luck with guys, but I'm willing admit that any bitterness I had was short-lived. I even learned a thing or two from the whole debacle.

But there is still the whole matter of "it takes two". The only guys that have really been interested in me have not been Christians, and while I don't mind hanging out with these guys, I'm not willing to let myself fall for someone with whom I can't see myself having a future.

Sooo.... how come the guys who share the same values and goals in life aren't interested?

Don't people date in this city? We're not talking a ring-- we're talking coffee and conversation! Exploring the city! Music! Fun!

*exasperated sigh*

Oh well. Such is life. Hope you other singles out there are enjoying a slightly more eventful social life than I!

byte sized

2008-07-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

1) It's new, it's different, it's Cuil! Check it out-- but is it really the competition for Google it has been purported to be? Take it for a test drive and judge for yourself. Also, check out their info page to learn more about how Cuil came about and where it's heading.

2) Meanwhile, where Google is concerned, many have said the sky is the limit. Turns out, this is not the case. Google is holding a $30 million competition for the first privately funded team to send a robot to the moon. Their site has all the details, and CNN has the story. Yeah. Still think Google's worried about Cuil?

3) Remember Invisible Children? A simple home-made documentary sparked national awareness and the advocacy movement that is providing food and opportunities for education for the children of Ungana. Take a look at their site to see how you can advocate for peace in Uganda. Then take a look at Call + Response. This documentary exposes the truth: that slave trade is alive and thriving and possibly a bigger problem today than ever before. Take a look at the site and make sure to read this page, which talks about what can be done to make an impact on the problem.

4) It seems like everwhere we look, someone else is marketing a new "green" product; an environmentally friendly alternative to the products we can't live without. Dell is no exception. The new Studio Hybrid PC is marketed as Dell's, "most unique, stylish, and conscientious desktop PC". What makes it so green? Well, for one thing it comes in bamboo. This page will tell you more.

5) Speaking of green, a Canadian environmental marketing agency called TerraChoice is addressing something called "greenwashing". Walk into any grocery store or just watch a few tv commercials, and you'll likely see the claims everywhere: this product is green. But how green are they really? TerraChoice makes us aware of how easy it is to get away with so-called "greenwashing". Read their Six Sins of Greenwashing to understand more about what this means, and how you can do your best to choose TRULY green products.

Ralph Nader: someone get that man a chair

2008-07-28T07:41:00.000-07:00

It's not every day I get invited to go see Ralph Nader so, of course, when I got invited by a friend to do just that, I went. Nader and Gonzales were set to appear in Austin at the Trinity United Methodist Church for a press-conference and campaign rally. Steve is a reporter for a couple of internet publications, so he dubbed me his photographer, and off we went.

Inside the church it was sweltering hot. I can understand keeping the AC off to conserve energy and money, but if a presidential candidate (if we can use the term without smiling) is in the house it would make sense to bite the bullet and blast the cool air. Especially when temperatures are easing towards 100F outside. I am not a Nader supporter, but I AM a bit of a humanitarian, and poor Ralph looked about ready to keel over in the heat. I am sure it didn't help that the "press room" was a children's classroom in which he was crammed with about 15 reporters. I was towards the back of the "crowd", but even I was only about five or six feet away.

The most irritating thing to me about the whole evening was the hypocritical tone of their speeches. Both Nader and Gonzales said repeatedly that voters are not willing to make demands of the candidates and that until they do nothing will change. They talked about the importance of challenging candidates, and yet when they were challenged they bit back like a wounded puppy.

Case in point, at the end of the press-conference when an elderly woman spoke up asking for Nader's response to "a vote for Nader is a vote for McCain". Nader looked at the woman with his beady, unblinking stare and, ignoring her question, called her a "political bigot" (click here for Steve's story). He could have addressed the question calmly and respectfully, but his sharp words gave the impression that he is very much averse to discussing the reality of this presidential race and the way it is being treated by voters.

I'd love to tell you that he at least made his position on the issues clear, but the only position he seemed to take was, "don't judge people who want to vote Nade/Gonzalez". Okay. I won't. Now that we are in agreement on that point, I'm gonna go vote for Obama.

Observations from the Glass Box

2008-07-23T13:03:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, drinking Diet Canada Dry listening to Andrew Bird and restless as all get out. There are only four of us left in the office today, and it is dead quiet except for Andrew's "Scythian Empire", direct from my iPod to the computer speakers. Not great sound, but it's better than nothing.

Do you ever judge yourself and your life by this idea of who you should be instead of who you are? This is a trend I have recognized in myself, and one that I am trying to break from. I am doing better right now than ever before: I love my job and it pays me well; I have a GREAT church and, as a result, am making plenty of friends; I am about to move into a really nice apartment; I have time to read and draw and write and play my guitar and do the things I love. And yet I still find myself thinking it isn't enough. But I know that it is. Of course there are still things to strive for... things I want or need or am working towards. What a dull life it would be to be 23 and have everything I want/need. It's like... a bad habit I have developed.

On a completely different topic, I am thinking I may need a daily Road Rage Report. I have more complaints about drivers in Austin than I ever did anywhere else! Today, though, my complaint is not about the drivers... it is more of a coincidence that I am not thrilled with:
My office is located just off one of the major highways. This mean I do a lot of looping around if I go anywhere on my lunch break. If I am coming from the right I turn under the underpass just left of my office. So apparently there is some kind of medical center down the street just behind that turn.
The last FOUR TIMES I have been turning under that underpass I have nearly had a heart-attack thanks to an ambulance pulling out of that street with its sirens going. They are so close, and the sound sort of echos under the overpass, and then to make matters worse, where the heck are you supposed to go to get out of the way? Today I was lucky in that there was no traffic on the access road and I was able to quickly pull out and then get over and out of the way. It freaked me out, though!

Okay. The end. Back to work.

Two Rants

2008-07-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

Rant #1: Tailgaters

So last night, sometime near 10pm, I am about half-way home when I glance up in my rear-view mirror and there's this car right on my tail. I was going the speed-limit, or barely above, so I assumed he (like so many) would get as close as possible before speeding around me like an imbecile. But no. He stayed right there behind me. I flashed my brakes at him. For a minute he seemed to back off, but then he was right back on my tail. I decided to try to lose him. I sped up. He sped up. I slowed down. He slowed down. A light turned yellow, and I hit the gas and sped through. The freak behind me ran the light keeping up with me. This guy was starting to make me pretty nervous. What if it was some kind of psychotic guy? What if he followed me home? A minute later I came up behind another car. I passed it and was relieved to see the headlights of the crazy guy's car stay behind the other car. As I drove off, though, I felt a little bad-- the psycho/jerk was doing the same thing to the car I had just passed!

Rant #2: Leering men in the backs of pickups

I work pretty close to Target, and I am getting ready to move into my new apartment. Today I spent my lunch hour at Target shopping for new stuff. In order to get back to work, though, I have to drive a little ways down the access road, loop under the overpass, and keep driving in the oppsoit direction on the access road. Somehow I managed to get behind this little white pickup that had five creepers in the back of it. And we hit every. Single. Light. We could hit. One of them was old and toothless, and insisted on gaping at me the whole time while his younger friends made innapropriate gestures and, I assume, comments.

Ya know what? It does a girl good to get appreciative glances on occasion. But WHY must I get behind the truck full of creepers? Why not the truck full of college football players or the truck full of firemen?

word up

2008-07-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Google

2008-07-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a new feature in google's GMail, I was able to determine that someone has been accessing my e-mail account. Based on the difficulty of my password, I suspect that the person who was accessing my account is somebody whose computer I have used to check my e-mail on some occasion. Because they tell you the IP Address of the last 5 log-in sessions, I was able to determine the location of my intruder's ISP, and consequently the general location of my intruder. It really only leaves one option for who that person is.

Note to this person, should they frequent my blog in addition to my e-mail:

BACK OFF. Passwords have been changed. If I find that you figure out how to access my account again, or anything else of mine, I will not be happy and will take action, accordingly. And chances are pretty good that I know more than you do about accessing other peoples' account and the damage that can be untraceably done.

going to bed now, but first:

2008-07-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

*The Most Tedious Myspace Survey I Could Find*
* . . About You . . *
Eye Color::	Brown
Hair Color::	Brown
Height::	5'8"
Favorite Color::	Red
Favorite Band::	Eels and/or Pete Yorn
Favorite Movie::	Eternal Sunshine of th Spotless Mind or Shawshank Redemption
Favorite Show::	LOST and The Office
Your Car::	White Buick "old lady car"
Your Hometown::	Samoan Islands
Your Present Town::	Austin

* . . Have You Ever . . *
Sat on your rooftop?:	yes
Kissed someone in the rain?:	yes
Danced in a public place?:	yes
Smiled for no reason?:	yes
Laughed so hard you cried?:	yes
Peed your pants after age 8?:	no
Written a song?:	yes
Sang to someone for no reason?:	yes
Performed on a stage?:	yes
Talked to someone you don't know?:	yes
Gone out of your way to befriend someone?:	yes
Made out in a theatre?:	no
Gone roller skating since 8th grade?:	no
Been in love?:	yes
* . . Who was the last person to . . *
Say HI to you?:	Shelton
Tell you, I love you?:	My mom
Kiss you?:	Patrick
Hug you?:	Rachel
Tell you BYE?:	Rachel
Write you a note?:	a note? like a REAL one? um... probably my supervisor at work.
Take your photo?:	Elise
Call your cell phone?:	Nicole
Buy you something?:	My daddy
Go with you to the movies?:	Elise
Sing to you?:	Colleen :)
Write a poem about you?:	haha-- CHRIS a actually, which is TOTALLY random...
Text message you?:	Colleen
Touch you?:	Jessica
* . . What's the last . . *
Time you laughed?:	This evening
Time you cried?:	Yesterday
Movie you watched?:	Stardust
Joke you told?:	I don't tell jokes. I'm funny all on my own.
Song you've sang?:	Whatever was on the radio as I was driving home. If I know it, I sing it ;)
Time you've looked at the clock?:	just now
Drink you've had?:	white zinfandel
Number you've dialed?:	Jessica, I think
Book you've read?:	Currently reading The Host
Food you've eaten?:	Homemade chicken fajitas
Flavor of gum chewed?:	something minty
Shoes you've worn?:	flipflops
Store you've been in?:	some furniture store, the name of which I cannot recall
Thing you've said?:	"Padma, get in here."
* . . Can You . . *
Write with both hands?:	not legibly
Whistle?:	yes
Blow a bubble?:	yes
Roll your tounge in a circle?:	yes
Cross your eyes?:	yes
Touch your tounge to your nose?:	no
Dance?:	that might be a matter of opinion.... ;)
Gleek?:	no, but I wouldn't if I could (okay, that's a lie.... I might)
Stay up a whole night without sleep?:	yes, but it's a lot harder than it used to be!
Speak a different language?:	not really
Impersonate someone?:	impersonate how?
Prank call people?:	I HAVE, but I DON'T.
Make a card pyramid?:	yes
Cook anything?:	mmmm, yes. Love to cook.
* . . Finish The Line . . *
If i were a ...:	hammer
I wish ...:	I didn't have to get up early tomorrow
So many people don't know that ...:	my family is crazy
I am ...:	tired
My heart is ...:	quiet

"... and when I stumble in the darkness..."

2008-07-13T20:29:00.000-07:00

I am tired. I can not express appropriately the things that are on my mind, so I will not. Not now. I am so weak; so unworthy of His grace. Yet his grace covers me from head to toe. It carries me forward when I stumble blindly into the pit. He has rescued me from certain death. I pray the same for each of you.

I wrote the following over 2 years ago, but I am re-posting it here. I can remember exactly where I was and what I was feeling when I wrote the words. It comforts me to reflect on how far I have come, and yet He is still by my side...

Twisted Cross (by REA, 2/13/06)

Writing this with a twisted cross in front of me. One bound with leather and marked with holes. One with a special spotlight that just hits the cross so you can sit and feel like there’s really something special about it. It’s not the same, though.

I’ve been to the cross many times. Occasionally even in this little room. This driftwood rendition of our Christ’s killer does little justice to the real thing. The cross itself was nothing special, after all. Just your typical capital punishment for the worst criminals. A crude symbol that belonged more to graffiti and dangerous political cartoons of the day than to pious or broken individuals looking for a way out. Who puts carvings of the electric chair on their wall? Who frames artistic renditions of the poisons used to send condemned criminals out of this world?

The cross. As lovely as a noose. As gentle as a gunshot to the head. Glorified, beautified, dignified by an innocent man. It became the offering table of God’s precious son. An offering to the enemy. A Trojan horse. The gateway to hell, and consequently, our gateway to Heaven. I have been to the cross many times. It is ugly. It is a painful reminder of how worthless and sinful I am. It is beautiful. It is a graceful reminder of our Lord’s unconditional love for me.

Next month is the one-year anniversary of the day I almost died. Funny. I don’t know that I have ever put it in those words before. I could wrap it up in all kinds of symbolism and meaning. I could tell you that it was the Friday before Easter when I lost control of my truck for some reason and ended up dying on the highway, 45 minutes from my destination.

I could tell you about how there was one other driver on the road that night, who was able to call 911 on his cell-phone. I could tell you how that in itself is a little miracle, because that road almost never gets cell-phone reception. I could tell you about the timeless moment I hung suspended in the air, experiencing nothing but the calm realization that I was about to die. And about praying the words that I am certain He heard and answered. I could tell you about blood transfusions, surgeries, waking on Easter to the face of my mother who flew six thousand miles to be with me. I could tell you all this and more. I could give you every detail of the moments before they cut me out of my truck. I could describe the pain and the clarity and the gravity—all of which refused to let me go. And I could tell you about the enormous ways my life changed that night. How I gave up two-years worth of decisions about my life in favor of waiting on God.

I could tell you that night was my cross to bear, but I’d be lying. I’m weaker than that. My cross is smaller and lighter. I sat in this room the day before my accident and asked God to carry my cross for a while. I sit here again, nearly a year later, wondering how I could have been so ignorant. He’s been carrying my cross for 2000 years. I’ve simply been walking in his shadow.

not quite enough

2008-07-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

I have put myself out there in numerous ways. Struck out on my own, regardless of my insecurities and fears. I have seen the fruit of these endeavors. And yet it is not enough.

How else do you meet people? How do you find somebody who has the time and interest in just hanging out? In going to a movie sometime, or having lunch together, or meeting up for coffee. I wouldn't mind an occasional date, either. Why is this all so difficult for me to figure out? I love this city, and I love the people I have met, but apparently loneliness can still supersede contentment.

blood, glass, and dirt

2008-07-07T15:08:00.000-07:00

I can never just glance away from the accident on the side of the road. I can never ignore the sirens of the ambulance in my rear-view mirror. I share in the terrible experience of the man shattered against his car window or the woman whose blood paints the asphalt.

I have been there.

The flip way that most people discuss such things persuades my disbelief that many react the same way I do. I do not judge your reactions. I judge my own. I wish that I could turn off the bevy of dark thoughts that invades my mind; that I could turn my face from what I can not change. Instead my brain calls up the memories that never really fade away: the way it feels to go through something like that; the horror of understanding; the guilt; the fear. The voices calling to me through the chaos, asking if I'm alive. The feeling of my heart beating too fast in my chest. How my arm is like a dead thing anchored to my arm. Blood,glass, and dirt.

That is why I can not merely look away and forget the stillness of the boy going into the ambulance on a stretcher. It is these memories that motivate the prayers that spill silently from my lips. I have been to the cusp of life. I got there in the same way. I know.

Lord, let him be alright.

PY speaks the truth

2008-07-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

"Last Summer" (Pete Yorn)

we were afraid
we would never meet again
we would never see it thru
our time was short but not for no one reason
we couldnt stay
we were not each others truth
we were close but very far
i'll never see your face in sunshine again...

we were there last summer
it was fresh as the ocean
it was great last summer
but we can not go back again.

too young to feel old!

2008-07-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

I had a shocking realization today. In general I don't think much about age-- mine or anybody else's. But I was talking with my cousin about school, and she commented that she will graduate from university in the year 2016. And then I realized, that when she graduates I will be 31. That may be the closest I have ever come to a panic attack over something like age. And I do realize that most of my readers are older than me-- some of you by quite a few years. Let me clarify, I have no problem with age. Getting older does not bother me.... BUT.

But I guess maybe I had hoped to be a little farther along in life by now. I am so very aware now, thanks to facebook, how many of my friends are getting engaged, married, having children, buying houses. Not that I am ready for any of that... but I guess it feels like I should be. I know I am young and I have years to get to all that other stuff. So the near-panic passes, and I realize that I am, honestly, quite content with who I am and where I am in life right now.

The down-side? It does get a little lonely.
The up-side? My friends are dealing with things like mortgages and childbirth. My biggest concern is whether or not a guy is interested. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Treading Water

2008-07-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes remembering shocks the mind, makes me unable to do anything but stare into nothing and think of... then. It catches me breathless and unable to escape; my thoughts a blaze of eager shrapnel, paralizing my brain. My eyes see old people and old places. My ears recall their voices and sounds. My heart beats faster than it should with remembered loves and hurts and losses. I am not here.

Nobody in the world could possibly follow me away into that imobilizing kind of remembering. Most of the time you don't even know I am gone.

The painful moment is the coming up for air. When you've been under water so long, that first gasp of oxygen is painful bliss. So is that moment when I come back-- when the something jerks me out of the past and into reality.

I shiver with the experience.

What was that you were saying?

I can't write.

2008-06-29T20:18:00.000-07:00

The words just won't come.

with a recollection you half erased...*

2008-06-29T00:48:00.000-07:00

2:45am. I couldn't resist the urge to write. It has been a really long time since I was awake to do some version of a late-night blog. That used to be a pretty regular occurrence for me. In fact, the whole reason I named my blog 2:45am was that it was not uncommon for me to be up that late pondering whatever it was I might find myself blogging about, and more. It was also named for *an Elliott Smith song, if you didn't make the connection.

A bunch of folks from Immanuel got together tonight for a game night. After one rousing (I use this term loosely) game of Scene-It we broke out into two groups. Most of the people stayed where they were for some other trivia game that involves a DVD. I joined three of the guys at the dining room table for Texas Hold 'em. I was a little nervous about it-- we had a $5 limit, but it's been well over a year since I last played poker, and I was never very good in the first place. I gave my little disclaimer, and the guys were very nice not to make fun of me when I did something stupid-- as I am sure I did, whether I knew it or not. I lost the first game, but was the last to go out so I was feeling okay about it.

In the second game I hit my stride, winning multiple hands. At one point I decided I was ready to play a different game, so I went all in, certain that I would lose. I did NOT lose. That happened twice. I have never played so well, and never had so many chips. I am also smart enough to know the odds of it happening again are slim-to-none. I got Melissa to take a picture of me with all my chips. Proof for those of you who have played with me before and might not believe me. I'll be posting that as soon as I get it :)

It gave me happy little flashbacks to A-town days.... playing poker at Cary's house with the guys. Always in over my head, but always a lot of fun.

In other news, I have a permanent job now. The details have not yet been worked out, and it's still not "out" at work, so I won't say anything else about it online for now. However, I am SO excited, and would be thrilled to give you the details if you want to know. Otherwise I am sure I'll be posting about it in the next couple of weeks.

Well, it's now past 3am, and I just spent a good 7 minutes just staring at the screen; a good sign that it is time for me to shut-up and go to sleep.

one of those lengthy and tedious surveys that nobody ever reads and yet we all insist on doing sometimes

2008-06-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

1)Spell your name without the letter e
I do that all the time-- 'Ruth'.

2) Are you in a relationship?
no

3) When you're at home alone, do you still close the door when you shower?
well, currently I do because I live with relatives and the odds are not bad that somebody will come home while I'm in there. But when I have my own place, no.

4) Do you like your life right now?
I am loving my life right now!

5) What was the last item you bought?
$3.99/gal gas :(

6) What was the last thing you drank?
Ginger Ale

7) What plans do you have for tomorrow?
work all day, and I'm not sure about the evening...

8) What do you hate?
getting up early; migraines; carrots; war; Carson Daily. Not necessarily in that order.

9) Where was the last place you fell asleep?
My bed.

10) Do you have a best friend that is a girl?
I don't know that I have a "best friend", but I have several close friends who are female.

11) How are things between you and your friends?
Okay, but it seems that lately we have fallen out of touch with one another :(

12) What is your favorite romance movie?
Love Actually. Or maybe Pride and Prejudice. OOOOO, or maybe Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I LOVE that movie.

13) Do you forgive or forget?
yes.

14) What are you thinking about right now?
How tired I am and that I should be going to sleep instead of doing this ridiculous survey.

15) Who was the last person to tell you they love you?
My mom.

17) What time did you go to bed last night?
Erm..... midnight, give or take a few minutes.

18) What are you currently doing?
Aside from answering stupid questions...?

19) What did you do today?
meetings all day; turned down a job offer; got a better job offer; hung out with friends to watch Battlestar Galactica.

20) Do you hate anyone?
That is an emotion I try to steer clear of.

21) What was the last thing you ate?
Pancakes, chips and salsa, and grapefruit. Just cuz I'm out of school doesn't mean I have to stop eating like a poor college student!

22) Besides you, who is the last person to drive your car?
The mechanic at Pep Boys who changed the oil in my car.

23) What are you listening to?
Andrew Bird.

24) Who does it remind you of?
His voice reminds me a lot of Pete Yorn; his style reminds me of a cross between Devendra Banhart and Belle and Sebastian.

25) What was the last movie you watched?
Battlestar Galactica.

26) What cd is in your stereo?
My CD player at work has Pete Yorn in it. Music for the Morning After, I believe.

27) What did you do last night?
Immanuel, then dinner with friends.

28) Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level?
Reasonable, unless I'm driving and in a certain mood.

29) Are you a beach or a snowy mountain person?
Depends on where I am and how I'm feeling. In general, though, I'm in love with the ocean.

30) What are you doing later?
sleeping!

31) Do you like someone?
I guess I'll just say there might be someone I'd be interested in getting to know better.

32) Where is your biological father right now?
On a tiny island in the South Pacific. Probably eating dinner right about now.

33) Do you have any tattoos?
One on my right shoulder and an armband on my left arm.

37) What do you get complimented about most?
Ummm.... lately, my mad skillz at work. But in general, my creativity.

38) Do you get distracted easily?
Well, if I have had a drink or two I get easily distracted. Also, if I am in the middle of a large group of people all talking, I get distracted by random pieces of conversation I overhear. Both situations can make for an interesting time.

39) What was your childhood nickname?
Ruthie

40) What would you change about your life right now?
I would like to get rid of this debt (stupid school loans) and maybe meet a really awesome guy who wants the same things I do.

41) How do you feel about public displays of affection?
In moderation...

42) What's the dumbest thing you have done in a car?
Well, there was the matter of almost killing myself 3 years ago, although technically it was the car that was dumb-- not anything I did in it.

43) Do you live alone?
Currently I live with my aunt and uncle, two cousins, 3 cats, 1 dog, and 1 fish. In the near future I hope to get my own place and then it will just be me and my cat.

44) Can you keep a secret?
Absolutely.

45) What was the best year of your life?
Hmmm.... maybe 1992. Maybe 2009.

46) Have you ever played Twister?
Yes.

47) Have you ever been drunk at school?
That would be supremely stupid.

48) last thing received in the mail?
A reminder that they do actually expect me to start paying back on those school loans soon.

49) Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with a J?
Yes.

50) Do you have trust issues?
I don't think so. Not trust "issues". Although I am most definitely less trusting now, thanks to some life experience, than I am by nature.

51) Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My older sister.

getting over it

2008-06-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

My church has been studying the fruits of the spirit for the last several weeks. This week the focus has been on patience. The only thing worse than talking about patience is praying for it. I can't remember which movies says it... the quote is something like, "if you pray for patience, does God make you patient? Or does he give you an opportunity to be patient?" That stuck with me, and has forever altered my view on prayer and praying for something elusive and difficult, like patience.

I am in a time of great transition right now, and patience is required of me with regards to multiple facets of my life. Will I have a job? Will I find an apartment? Will I make friends? Will I find my place in the church? And those are just the immediate things that come to mind. The bigger issues to me are often the more long-term things... will I see my dreams fulfilled? Will I live here forever? Will I get married? Have kids? Figure out what I want to do with my life? The list goes on.

But maybe I have to push past this fear that praying for patience will give God some cruel excuse to make me wait some more. I don't think God works that way. Maybe if I pray He can work in me, change me, help me come through the waiting. That sounds more like the faithful God I know.

7:17pm thoughts

2008-06-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: the following blog says nothing of any interest. I realized this upon re-reading it. So you might just want to NOT read it, and save yourself some brain cells. You have been warned.
--

For all the busyness I have managed to squeeze into my week, the weekends are... terribly quiet. In fact, the weekends for me in Austin are no different than they were in LR. I am hoping this will change as I get to know people, but I know my shyness doesn't help the process along. I thought about going to a movie tonight, but I have never gone to a movie all by myself... the only thing lonelier than being at home alone on a Saturday night is being out and alone amongst couples and groups friends on Saturday night. Yeah.

I guess I could always go to Barnes and Noble... drink coffee and browse, but the problem with me and bookstores is that I always find myself spending money. In fact, I already bought a book today, so I probably need to avoid the whole book store thing for a week or so.

Sundays are good, though.... lots of interaction with people. Sundays make me feel like I'm really starting to be a part of this place and these people.

On second thought, I may end up at B&N tomorrow. I'll have a couple of hours between a baby shower and church, and I doubt it'll be worth it for me to come all the way back home in between.

A note on books: If you haven't read The Raw Shark Texts, you should.

The end. (I know what you're thinking.... "thank goodness!")

to Grandpa

2008-06-19T19:32:00.000-07:00

They call it a turning point, and so it was; thought it was unexpected and cleaner than we felt it should have been. You should have gone out with loud noises—brave words—visions of the Heavens. Instead you slipped out, gently, closing the door behind you… nothing more spectacular than a birth from this world to the next. We can cry out or we can quietly choose to know. I choose knowing. You inspired me in your knowing. Your twisted hands were beautiful and oh, oh the masterpieces they created!

They call it a turning point, and here we are. But there is no turn that can bring you back to me. I crawled out of the ragged-edged death, but you peered in—could it have been anticipation? My words grow weak now, but they persist… persist.

--

Two years to the day that God took my Grandpa home.

I just got off the phone with my Grandma, and now I can't help but cry... because she missed him, because we all miss him. Because sometimes I think I didn't know him as well as I could have. Because while I have inherited much of his old paintbrushes and sketch pads and paints, I never had the opportunity to paint with him, to learn from watching him. I hate that the last time I saw him he didn't even know I was there.
And missing him makes me homesick for the others I love and can't be near.

love letter to nobody

2008-06-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about love these days. Two years agoI watched my Grandma make her way alone across the crowded room, and I knew each step was taken with the knowledge that he should be there beside her. Not because any man can live forever, not because he was better or wiser or more deserving of life, but because he loved her. And she loved him.

Five months later I would meet someone whose existence would challenge my preconceptions about life and living and dying. And for someone who has always loved hard, coming to terms with mortality has only made me love harder. Which has been.... dangerous. Loving others is a heartbreaking venture. It means letting in all possibilities of sorrow and anger and hurt. It means complete vulnerability. It means some day somebody will be walking across the crowded room alone.

Love is complicated and difficult and hard to find. It is choosing eventual devastation over present loneliness. It is frightening and frustrating and fiercely protective. But it's also what we're hard-wired for. We were made for love, for companionship, for family.

I'd gladly give up a multitude of blessings for love. To walk across a crowded room someday, alone, with the knowledge that he should be there beside me. Not because any man can live forever, not because he'll be better or wiser or more deserving of life, but because he'll have loved me. And I'll love him.

Apocolypse Not

2008-06-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

The world did not end. (see previous post)

Apocolypse NOW?

2008-06-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

Yisrayl Hawkins, leader of the doomsday cult "the House of Yawhweh", in Abilene, Texas seems to think so. After his two previous predictions of armageddon, one would think he'd have learned his lesson. Apparently not. According to Hawkins, in an interview with 20/20, Thursday, June 12, will be the beginning of a nuclear holocaust that only the members of the House of Yahweh will survive.

Hmmm... that gives us a little more than 13 hours to prepare. But how does one prepare for a nuclear holocaust? An unnamed source in Abilene tells me that members of the cult were seen stocking up on bottled water, toilet paper, and batteries. Good choices if you are anticipating inclement weather, but will it suffice in this case of a nuclear holocaust?

From what I understand about the effects of nuclear warfare, storing a few bottles of water and some mac'n'cheese isn't gonna cut it. If a nuclear holocaust really does occur at some point, and a group of people do manage to survive it, the long-term effects are not going to be staved off by whatever meager rations they manage to squirrel away. Dramatic changes in the climate, due to soot released into the atmosphere, would have catastophic effects on the world for decades. Other probably effects would include: direct nuclear and thermal radiation, collapse of all major structures, disintegration/destruction of crops and animals, and illness as a result of radiation.

First Mercury is in retrograde and now THIS? Could this week get any worse?? Oh, right. We won't be around tomorrow to find out.

BEWARE: Mercury is in Retrograde

2008-06-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

Tonight as I was driving home the lady on the radio seriously informed me, and all her other listeners, that Mercury is in Retrograde. This is bad news, apparently. When Mercury is in retrograde bad things will happen to you relating to travel and/or communication. Then she and her co-worker proceeded to talk about all their car problems and relationship problems, and "oh, it all makes sense now.... Mercury is in retrograde."

.... What??

All it means is that from Earth it looks like the planet is moving backwards.

I don't know about you, but this makes perfect sense to me. The way we see the planet changes for a few weeks, so OF COURSE chaos is going to ensue. Pardon my sarcasm. There is no way I can NOT find this ridiculous.

I shouldn't blog when I am this tired. Tomorrow I will read over this and cringe.
This is all I have to say.
The end.

Remembering Sunday

2008-06-07T11:39:00.000-07:00

I do not recall our first Sunday on the island but, though the first one is lost to me, a thousand others fill my memories. Sundays in Samoa are unlike Sundays anywhere else in the world. Early in the morning, as we would get ready for church, I could smell the umus beginning to cook. Looking out the window as we drove to church I could see little spires of smoke rising above the palms in every direction. Men and women in white shirts and pulatasis or colorfully printed lava-lavas could be seen walking along the roadside or piled ten or fifteen to the back of a pickup truck. And all over the island the white-washed walls of a hundred different churches resonated with strong, clear voices singing praises to God.

Meandering Thoughts

2008-06-05T21:04:00.000-07:00

I used to write poetry. A long time ago, when I thought the world owed me something. These days I have trouble getting out even the simplest phrases. I'm taking time off from working on my music, because I have reached the point where my creativity is limited by my ability. And I don't have the motivation to push myself to the limit to achieve musical fulfillment.

I wait.

I rediscover older dreams, and newer ones, too.

I write. I draw. I sing. I read. I pray.

Today I am totally new. I am the person I always wanted to be, but never quite was. I am remembering old convictions, and determined to follow through. I have set my fears aside and embraced the change which threatens to choke me. New job. New people. New everything. But instead of feeling the nerves go wild in my fingertips and my stomach turn to knots, I feel.... expectant. I look forward to these times-- to meeting new people, not knowing which of these people will become significant to my life.

I have seen what God can do if I give myself over to Him, and I have learned how destructive I can be on my own. I want to be good. I want to be generous, and servant-hearted, and gentle again. I want to delight in Him, and not hide my face in shame. It's time to come back to Him, and let Him bless me or curse me according to His will. I am willing.

That is what makes me so different today-- willingness to do and be what it takes to make my life work and to let Him make over what I have so efficiently screwed up.

But enough of this rambling-- who even knows what I set out to say. It's late, I am sleep-deprived, and hot, and have to be at work in 8.5 hours.

Have a marvelous weekend.
REA

Music, Politics, and Entertainment (for lack of anything better to blog about)

2008-06-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I was dating a guy who introduced me to Pete Yorn. Okay, not Pete Yorn himself, but his music. I fell in love. With the music, that is. To this day he remains one of my favorite, favorite, favorite musicians. I have yet to just NOT LIKE a Pete Yorn song. Earlier this week I mentioned that there was a new song from Pete Yorn. EXCITING. I listened to it on myspace, and was rather happy. It made my day. Then today, more good news-- ANOTHER new song from PY! It's called Stronger Than, and I am going to link you to it so you can enjoy it, too.

In other news, Hilary needs to back off. It is not her moment. Understand this, and step back gracefully! Do not get me wrong-- I actually like Hilary. I'd love to see a woman President. But... politically, me and Obama are tight. And I think we all know who's going to get the democratic nomination.

You know how everyone says Austin is weird? Well, I can't confirm or deny. I have yet to see or do or experience anything interesting. I blame nobody but myself. And I don't really blame myself, so much as I concede that I'll have to wait until I get to know some people to have interesting things to do. I will probably be going to see a play this Thursday, so that should be good. And if I ever figure out anything about it (*looks pointedly at anybody who knows*) I might go to this Austin Inklings thing. But you know how much I hate showing up places where I don't know anybody, and not to know exactly what I'm showing up to? Meh... Anybody up for going out this weekend?

it's not even 11pm and I am already exhausted

2008-06-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

Day nine of living in Austin has ended, and I am finally beginning to feel less transient. I think everything is taking a little longer to sink in because I hit the ground running... literally starting work just a few days after arriving. Not that this weekend was any slower than the rest of my week was-- in fact, I am probably more tired than when it began. But, I feel like I am starting to get used to the city and get used to being on my own.

Twice this week I drove alone to the home of somebody I did not know to be part of 20+ people. Those of you who know me well know how TERRIBLY out of my comfort zone that is for me! The first time was a care group for young professionals at the church I have been going to on Sunday morning. I met some nice people and had a good time. The second time was tonight, Immanuel Austin Community-- a church that meets in homes. Tonight I felt more connected than I have in a long time.

Anyway, I am exhausted and should definitely be getting some sleep, but I wanted to put a little update out there for anyone who cares. It hasn't been an easy week, but I think I am finally past the worst of the loneliness... I hope!

So now I leave you with the top 10 things that made this a great weekend for me:

1) New Pete Yorn song
2) Sleeping in
3) Spending the day with my sister and Grams
4) Sex and the City
5) Talking to mom!
6) Church with family
7) TGI Friday's fried Green Beans with wasabi-ranch
8) Emmanuel Austin Community
9) Navigating Austin without getting lost!
10) Actually feeling good about being here

Lose You

2008-05-30T07:34:00.000-07:00

I’m taking a ride off to one side
It is a personal thing.
Where?
When I can’t stand
Up in this cage I’m not regretting.

I don’t need a better thing,
I’d settle for less,
It’s another thing for me,
I just have to wander through this world
Alone.

Stop before you fall
Into the hole that I have dug here,
Rest even as you
Are starting to feel the way I used to,
I don’t need a better thing
(Just to sound confused)
Don’t talk about everyone,
I am not amused by you.

I’m gonna lose you,
Yeah I’m gonna lose you
If I’m gonna lose you,

I’m gonna lose you,
Yeah I’m gonna lose you
If I’m gonna lose you
I’ll lose you now for good

-Lose You, by Pete Yorn

The Road Trip

2008-05-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

"We're leaving in ten minutes."

(30 minutes later) "We're leaving in ten minutes."

"Didn't you say that 3o minutes ago?"

"I heard 'meow' over on the passenger side, and then 'meow' over by the console, and then 'meow' by my feet..."

"Where did that scar come from?"

"Damn government conspiracising against me!"

"... it's like exercising, but with conspiracies."

"Look, Ma! No gas pedal!"

"The trees keep getting smaller and smaller...."

"Did I ever tell you I get vertigo driving next to these things?"

"Look-- West! What happens when you go past West? Does it become East?"

"No; out past West it becomes WILD West."

"WE ARE NOT paying $3.89 for gas! We just passed a place for 10 cents less than that! Go back!"

"My tummy hurts.... rub my tummy?" (mile 547.8)

"I can't reach. And anyway, my arm hurts... rub my arm?"

"Are Texans SMART? Do they SLOW DOWN for damaged guardrails?"

"Come on, Bessie! I know how Bessie likes it."

*honk*

"Oh yeah."

"Why are we slowing down?"

"It's the damn rental trucks."

"Damn rental trucks and their damn drivers!"

"It was satirical... SOME might even say, 'satititircal'."

"Well. You're just learning all sorts of important things about me."

"I wish cars could fly."

"Nah, I just wish I had wizarding powers so we could apparate. Or say 'leviosa!' and make the car float above all this traffic."

"See? Flying cars! I love when we agree on things."

"Yeah. It kind of scares me."

"Woooooooooooeeeeoooooooooooooo...." (mile 558.7)

too many legs in the shower

2008-05-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

I am not an overly squeamish person when it comes to bugs. There are certain bugs that make my skin crawl, and certain ones that just disgust me, but for the most part I am willing to co-exist or eliminate bugs as necessary. Growing up in the South Pacific there were certain things-- cockroaches, for example, that had to be dealt with. If you didn't kill it right then and there, it would get away and then celebrate by laying a hundred disgusting little cockroach eggs. Then there were things like ants. Annoying, but in the end you learn to just pick them off the cake and keep eating. Finally, there were the things you didn't touch. The things that made me jump back and call my Daddy to rescue me: spiders and centipedes.

In my years of living next to the rainforest I can only recall about four times that I had a run-in with the dreaded centipede.

Most memorable, was the one in the hall by the bathroom that my friend and I found one early Saturday morning. We sprayed it with every kind of cleaning chemical we could get our hands on. It played dead. 20 minutes later we went to check on it and it had moved about 4 feet. We freaked out and an adult had to come downstairs and sweep it out of the house for us. That was the closest encounter I had, and I counted myself lucky.

This morning as I took my shower, I sat down to quickly shave my legs. I have a bath pillow which recently gave up and deflated; it sat crumpled at the back of the tub. When I had finished shaving I had to open the drain again (it sometimes forgets to stay open) and slid backwards to get to my feet again. As I did so, a wave of water went behind me, around the bath pillow, and back towards the drain. And there it was, floating in lazy circles beside my bare feet: a centipede.

Now, silly me, I never thought about the fact that centipedes might actually live somewhere like Arkansas. And I certainly never thought about one coming into my home, walking across the carpet, into my bathroom, and slithering up the side of my bathtub. I never imagined that a centipede would enjoy the damp place between a deflated bath pillow and the back of the tub. I never imagined that I would be sharing my morning shower with a multi-legged arthropod.

Needless to say, I jumped out of the tub, turned the water on as hot as it would go, and washed the little creature right down the drain. I also ran the water for a while to convince myself that he would not be climbing back up the drain later.

This morning's incident climbs to the top of the list as closest centipede encounter to date. *shiver*

meep

2008-05-20T10:12:00.001-07:00

This week is just speeding by!

Tuesday: work, dentist, pack, expedition
Wednesday: work, u-haul verification, work, finish packing
Thursday: last day of work, finish packing, pick up u-haul and dolly, load U-haul
Friday: finish loading u-haul, leave town

It's a bit overwhelming.

sad

2008-05-18T20:11:00.000-07:00

I have another migraine.

I don't want to go to work in the morning.

I have very few friends here to say goodbye to, and those I do have seem caught up in other things than spending time with me.

I worry about money and time and everything that has to happen to get me out of Arkansas.

I am homesick.

I have barley eaten anything today.

I am tired, but when I close my eyes all I see is everything that has to get done.

What if I don't like it there?

What if I don't make friends?

What if I feel all alone?

goodbye-ing for dummies

2008-05-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

It has begun. The goodbye-ing, I mean. That is the worst thing about this being my last week, I think. I don't much care for goodbyes... well, let me rephrase that. Goodbyes are good. I actually really need goodbyes. BUT I do not love the prolonged process of goodbye-ing.

And today I was gently shoved out of my comfort zone when I was asked to stand up at the end of church. Charles then proceeded to say a lot of really nice things about me and encourage everybody to let me know how appreciated I am and how much I will be missed when I leave. THEN, people actually did it! People kept coming up to say goodbye and thank me and to wish me good luck. I didn't mind so much when I actually knew the people, but several people came and hugged me or shook my hand and told me how much they would miss me and all I could think was, "who ARE you? Should I know your name?" Instead I smiled and answered their questions and assured them that I would be back to visit....

And as soon as I could do so without appearing rude I escaped to the parking lot.

I am not someone who is comfortable with small talk or... less than genuine conversation, I guess. I mean, I am actually quite good at it, but I don't like it.

On the up-side, a week from now I will be in Austin! And probably missing LR, but that's okay. This stuff takes time. Moving is not fun, and settling into a new place is a process. Have I convinced you? I'm still working on convincing myself :)

Ruth

4:45am?

2008-05-17T02:48:00.000-07:00

And why am I still up?

I dunno... I just am. I completely re-did my blog, you may have noticed. That was part of it. The other part of it is that I got about 13 hours of sleep last night (went to bed early with a migraine, slept in cuz I could).

Should probably get some sleep now.

REA

Not my mother, and that's okay

2008-05-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I was finally able to get through to my parents on the phone last night. I had a nice, chatty, catch-up conversation with my mom. My 23rd birthday is this Friday, and we got to talking about it; see, when my mom was 23 she was married with a child. She also became widowed right before her 24th birthday. I can barely imagine being married right now, much less having a baby or burying my husband. My mom is a strong, amazing woman who has accomplished much in her life thus far, and will certainly go on to do even more wonderful things. But it was not always easy, and last night she told me she is glad that my sister and I did not follow in her footsteps and get married so young. Ladies and Gentleman: words I never expected to hear!

But, you know, I am not the same person I was two years ago. I have grown up a lot. I have learned some hard lessons, and been through my share of struggles. I have also achieved some big goals and made some good decisions. What if I had married someone two years ago? Would I be the same person today?

In two years I have tasted grief, loss, and heartbreak. I have learned to love another more than myself. I learned to forgive. I learned that love is more complicated than I ever thought possible-- but more necessary, too. I learned how to stand on my own two feet, how to stand up for myself, and not to let others determine my self-worth. I found out that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and that there are people out there who really see me. I discovered abilities I didn't know I had. I also discovered that being able to do something doesn't necessarily mean I SHOULD do something.

I've felt the blows of spiritual warfare all around me. I learned to pray out loud. I forgot how to pray alone. I'm rediscovering how to do that, now.

I was given advice that I now take to heart: don't run away-- run towards something. I learned NOT to run away when things got tough. I learned that if we wait, God will eventually answer. I no longer have anything to run away from. But I am now running towards something new.

I have made some bad decisions and big mistakes, but I learned that God's mercy covers every sin, and bad decision, every mistake. I no longer think I deserve his mercy.

I have been reminded of old dreams of mine... and have begun to take the steps to see these dreams realized. I'm writing. I'm drawing. I'm moving back to Texas.

Someday I hope to marry and have children, but I have learned that being single isn't all about waiting to find love. It's about living the life God's given me NOW. Loving those around me, serving others when I can, and experiencing the joys and blessings he has given me each day.

The end.

8pm disappointment

2008-05-11T17:57:00.000-07:00

Rant:

It is Mother's Day and I want to call home and talk to my mom. Unfortunately, this is one of those times when EVERYone is calling home, and I literally cannot get through to the island. I keep getting the annoying, "all circuits are busy" or "your call cannot be completed in the country you are dialing".

*sigh*

"once upon a midnight dreary..."

2008-05-10T16:31:00.001-07:00

6:30pm
There was a time when the high-pitched hum of the National Weather Service Alert made my throat constrict and my stomach nervy. However, since moving to LR, there has been SO MUCH sever weather that I have gotten used to the interruption, and just check to make sure it's not a Tornado Warning. And if it IS a tornado warning, I keep an eye on the weather channel and hope the sirens don't sound. And if they DO, THEN I my throat starts to constrict and my stomach gets nervy.

I find this interesting, considering that the town I lived in for the last 6 years in part of the nations' Tornado Alley, and most people do not include Arkansas in this list. On the other hand, tornado-related death tolls sit at 24 to date-- only 36 less than the number of tornado-related deaths in Arkansas for the previous 10 years! That a 25% annual increase in tornadic activity per year, if I did the math correctly.

6:40pm
And now, as I have been sitting here we have gone from a "severe thunderstorm warning" to a "tornado watch". Meanwhile, the wikipedia page documenting the tornadoes of 2008, actually has a section dedicated to May 10 and 11-- seems tornadoes are imminent throughout much of the southern states (OK, KS, AR, NC, MI, TN, MS, SC, and TX). 18 tornadoes reported.

6:59pm
And now we're in a warning. Ick. Guess it's time to turn to the weather channel and hope we don't hear any sirens!

7:27pm
Seems that we are out of danger. Still under a warning, but no sirens, and no more interruptions on the TV. Another weathery evening in LR.

nowhere else

2008-05-07T20:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight there were two kids at church who had rough days and felt like crying. So they did. One of them is 2 years old, and he just wanted to be with his mama, and when she left he just stood in the hallway crying for her. I happened to come in and find him this way, and since he's one of those kids that has wormed his way into a special place in my heart, I could not leave until he was smiling. Six minutes of mirror therapy ("Why is that mirror so sad? If I tickle it will I make it happy?" you get the idea...) I was able to leave the smiling child with his teacher and go back to my classroom.

The second child is 7, and she is a handful... and another one of those children in whom I have invested a piece of my heart. At the end of class something happened, and it was just the final straw on the back of a very hard day. She burst into tears, and it took a trip to the magic resource room (adding the word "magic" really helps improve things for kids, I have found) to find just the right something to solve her problem (a mother's day present for her single mom).

I myself have had a long day. I worked for 10 hours straight without stopping. I dealt with finances-- my own on top of the church's-- which is a very stressful thing to deal with. I realized that I am moving in 16 days, and that there is not enough time to DO everything that needs to be done. I keep realizing all of the things I am going to miss about LR... the rain... the trees... the river... familiar streets... familiar faces... I feel like those kids did tonight. I just wanna sit down and cry until somebody can come along to help me get past this roadblock and solve my problems. Problem is, nobody's gonna come. And I'm afraid if I start I won't be able to stop.

It is just the stress of it all. I assume it will pass.

so...

2008-05-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

I got the job! YAY! I start on May 27th!

Here is the official word:

2008-05-05T11:21:00.001-07:00

I will be moving to Austin the weekend of May 23rd.

I was offered a job, but they wanted me a little sooner than I could be there... I am now just waiting on the final word of whether they will still have a job for me even though it is a week later than they wanted. Say a prayer that the word is 'yes'!

More news as it comes...
REA

Appropriate

2008-04-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

"Somebody That I Used To Know" (Elliott Smith)

I had tender feelings that you made hard
But it's your heart, not mine, that's scarred
So when I go home I'll be happy to go
You're just somebody that I used to know
You don't need my help anymore
It's all now to you, there ain't no before
Now that you're big enough to run your own show
You're just somebody that I used to know
I watched you deal in a dying day
And throw a living past away
So you can be sure that you're in control
You're just somebody that I used to know
I know you don't think you did me wrong
And I can't stay this mad for long
Keeping ahold of what you just let go
You're just somebody that I used to know

random musings on a tuesday

2008-04-29T08:31:00.000-07:00

Today as I was driving to work-- 5 minutes late-- I was ambushed by cops who made me pull over and wait 10 minutes so they could write me a ticket-- my first ticket EVER-- making me 15 minutes late instead of the original 5.

I am moving to Austin! I know I have told most of you this, but as everything begins to fall into place and bring my moving date closer and closer, it suddenly seems so very REAL to me. The good news is, I may have a job! I have an interview coming up in the next week, and if that goes well I will be able to rest easy, knowing that I will be able to hit the ground running.

In other news, my birthday is is less than 16 days! Twenty-three sounds a lot younger than it once did. Funny, how that happens. I have decided to go see a movie on my birthday, and those of you who are supremely cool can probably guess which one. For those of you less out of touch with reality, I will tell you: the 2nd Chronicles of Narnia film, Prince Caspian, opens on my birthday. Since I know so very few people in town who might think to do birthdayish things, I have taken matters into my own hands and made plans to go to the opening of the film. Should be a good time. Maybe I will even bake myself a birthday cake again this year. Red velvet with cream cheese icing? Yes, please!

You know what I am sick of doing? MOVING. Moving itself is fine and dandy; going to a new place, unpacking all my things and giving them a home. But the packing up part pretty much got old after I had to do it thrice in a period of 5 months. That is WAAAY too much packing up. But I have learned a thing or two, and this time I am doing it right. I won't bore you with details, but suffice it to say, the next time I have to unpacking I will know EXACTLY where everything is. You know I still have things in my trunk from the last time I moved? Blah.

She's a Song

2008-04-24T08:05:00.000-07:00

Been trying to write this song for weeks. It finally came. Constructive criticism welcome.
-Ruth

--
"She's a Song" (REA, 2008)

She's a song, she's a dream

a shotgun loaded with a spring

in your ear,

hear her heart beat like a drum-line

her mystery makes you look around

cold like water from the ground

She's a song

you can't get her out of your head

empty square, full of space

a girl who doesn't show her face

but you search

for the eyes you always noticed

wire fences of the mind

insincere, but you'll survive

She's a song

you can't get her out of your head

Yeah, she's a song you can't sing

a string of lyrics on your brain

She's a drug

that you'll never get your fill of

She's a sound you wanna know

play it loud til it gets old

She's a song

you can't get her out of your head

She's a muse, she's a girl

addictive hope you can't ignore

she's a word,

she's a thousand lovely lyrics

you will always recall her name

always see this girl the same

She's a song

you can't get her out of your head

she's a song

she's a song

she's filling up the silence

like a song

you can't get the girl out of your head

cuz she's a song

You probably don't wanna read this

2008-04-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

Random Questions

Are your parents married or divorced?: Married
Are you a vegetarian?: No
Do you believe in Heaven?: Yes
Have you ever come close to dying?: Well, yes and no. I survived circumstances that should have killed me, but as far as I know my injuries were not fatal. I guess they would have been if I had not been found right away.
What jewelry do you wear 24/7?: A ring that my sister gave me ages ago.
Are you eating?: drinking coffee
Do you eat the stems of broccoli: unless they are too huge or too chewy
Do you wear makeup?: yes
Would you ever have plastic surgery?: not for cosmetic reasons; I had cosmetic surgery on my left ear once.
What do you wear to bed?: not much
Have you ever done anything illegal?: yes
Can you roll your tongue?: yes
Do You have a boyfriend or girlfriend?: no
Do you believe in Abortions?: Why? Is somebody disputing their occurrence? I think that is an awfully tricky subject. One I try to steer clear of.

What is your Hair color?: brown
Future child's name, boy and girl? Who knows. I do have a couple of favorites, but it'll be a while before I have a use for them.
Do you smoke? can't even bear to be near smokers
If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?: HOME. It's been ages since I have seen the ocean... :(
Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: my cat, Padma, is pretty fluffy, but I don't think that's what you mean...
If you won the lottery, what would you do first?: pay off school bills and medical bills
Gold or silver?: white gold
Hamburger or hot dog?: hamburger. I can't stand hotdogs
If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?: bread
City, beach or country?: city by the beach in another country
What was the last thing you touched?: computer mouse
Where did you eat last?: The hospital. I took some mozzarella sticks to tide me over til dinner, and then stayed so long that dinner seemed pointless afterwards
When's the last time you cried?: Wednesday
Do you read blogs?: yes, but only for people I actually know
Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?: I was once a pirate for halloween, complete with mustache. Does that count?
Ever been involved with the police?: 'involved'?
what's your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap?: I like Dove and Neutrogena
Do you talk in your sleep?: yes
Ocean or pool?: Ocean for looks, pool for swimming
What's your favorite song at the moment: I don't know
have you ever had a cavity?: apparently I occasionally mumble
Window seat or aisle seats?: Window, unless the person next to me is ginormous, in which case I'll take the aisle...
Ever met anyone famous?: hmm.... I think so. I mean, famous is kind of relative
Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life?: I have a college degree, and I'm relatively content. My parents would call that success
Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: Twirl

What is your fav.

sport to play?: I don't
Basketball or football?: basketball, to watch
Do you drive a stick?: No
Cake or ice cream?: cake
Are you self-conscious?: Sometimes
Do you like any of your close friends?: No, I secretly loathe them all. What kind of question IS that? Of course I like them

Have you ever given money to a bum?: No, but I have bought them a meal before

Have you been in love?: yes
Where do you wish you were?: by the ocean
On myspace why is the 1st person on ur top 8 there?: She is my sister
Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?: Yes... Twice that I can specifically recall
Can you tango?: noooo
Last gift you received?: Umm.... My pastor and his wife gave me some Bath and Body Works soap in January
What occasion did you receive your gift?:when I returned to work after graduation
Last thing you spent lots of money on?: Gas for my car. Stupid gas prices...!
Where do you live?: Little Rock. But not for long!
Last wedding attended: I can't even remember... Danielle's, I guess...
Favorite restaurant?: Mimi's
What is your favorite kind of car?: One that doesn't cost a fortune to fill up, and preferably has working door handles and windows...
Most hated food(s): carrots
Most loved food(s)?: Mexican
Can you sing?: I can sing... there is some debate over how well, however
Person on your mind?: My aunt, actually. I'm hoping she can help me get a job when I move

What's your least fav.

chores?: washing the dishes
Favorite drink?: Coffee. Unless you are talking alcoholic, in which case I like wine... a white zinfandel
Currently have a Crush?: for the first time in a while, no. I'm going off guys for a while
How long was your longest drive in a car?: 13 or 14 hours, maybe
Why do you do Myspace surveys?: Well, I don't usually... and I refuse to make them bulletins and subject you all to them, but I have to go to the dentist soon and I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything useful, so I thought if I did this maybe I could work out some of the random musings in my head and then be more productive for the duration of my time here at work. BLAH.

love me some Smashing Pumpkins...

2008-04-21T08:45:00.001-07:00

Goodnight, to every little hour that you sleep tight
May it hold you through the winter of a long night
And keep you from the loneliness of yourself
Heart strung is your heart frayed and empty
Cause it's hard luck, when no one understands your love
It's unsung, and I say

Goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day
Goodnight, always, to all thats pure that's in your heart

Goodnight, may your dreams be so happy and your
Head lite with the wishes of a sandman and a night light
Be careful not to let the bedbugs sleep tight nestled in your covers
The sun shines but I don't
A silver rain will wash away
And you can tell, it's just as well

Goodnight, my love, to every hour in every day
Goodnight, always, to all that's pure that's in your heart

If I Wrote Psalms

2008-04-15T12:29:00.001-07:00

Ripped through with confusion.
Torn apart in anger like God's people don't belong here.
Where have his people gone?
Hiding behind fear and uncertainty.
Hiding behind words.
His wrath is imminent.
He won't have His church defiled.
He has called us to boldness and strength,
where weakness has been our companion.
He has allowed the wound to fester,
that we might understand the result of our indiscretions:
complacency, ignorance, apathy, fear...
In our pain and suffering we call on His name.
In our sickness we have sought His healing.
But the price is high--
the disease must be cut out.
We must allow ourselves to be re-broken.
Only then can He restore His people.

What now??

2008-04-09T08:03:00.001-07:00

I have a decision to make. As of July I will have no real attachments to LR, and I'm not sure I want to stay. So I'm asking my readers, though you are probably few and far between, to tell me what you think.

Stay? Go? And to where would I go?

It seems silly, but I am serious. Give me your thoughts.

Tornado Weather

2008-04-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

I have a complaint to make. When I moved to Little Rock, nobody told me there would be tornadoes. Well, clearly that was a lie by omission. Last night I was sitting here, quietly watching a DVD when all of the sudden the sirens start going off. I was very thankful that one of my roommates was here to take charge, because I was like, "uh... What now?" We collected Padma and Malibu (her dog) and a bunch of pillows and turned on the news, prepared to crowd into my closet if it became necessary.

The scariest thing is just how close one of the tornadoes came. The picture below shows in red the approximate path that it took, with red circles marking areas that it touched down, according to the news. The small blue circle is where I live.

Just wonderful. Makes me rethink the whole idea of living alone! But I guess there is really no way around it: bad things happen, and there is no way to completely avoid them. the good news is, that there has only been one fatality reported as a result of the tornadoes. There have been a few injuries, but nothing too serious.

hmmm...

2008-03-31T12:41:00.001-07:00

For once in my life, I'm gonna stop planning my life six moves ahead...

(Postsecret.blogspot.com: New Secrets uploaded every Sunday)

... and recognize the beauty in the journey, regardless of the destination.

In spite of everything that is less than perfect, here we are-- On top of the world.

Misunderstanding Happiness

2008-03-26T13:05:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I caught myself telling God, "I just want to be happy". I immediately stepped back from that particular word to try and clarify to God-- who knows everything-- exactly what that means to me. But what right do I have to pray for happiness when the majority of the world daily suffers hardship, illness, oppression, warfare, despair, and ultimately death? Happiness. I don't even know what that word means. Do not misunderstand me, and think this is some kind of admission to depression. What is happiness?

Contentment, I can understand. Joy, I can understand. Peace, excitement, love, safety, health, comfort... these are words and concepts I can understand. But happiness seems a flimsy, grasping word that carelessly encompasses the broad ideas of what we think life should be like. So how can I pray for something that is equally vague and arrogant? I do want to feel emotionally happy, and often I do, but as with any emotion happiness is fluid. It ebbs and flows with life's many changes. Changes, without which, the happiness would quickly lose its luster.

What a thoughtless thing to pray. And, in truth, it was a prayer borne of frustration. What I want is to feel safe. I want to have enough to get by each month without juggling and worrying and borrowing. I want to be content in my work. I want to live somewhere comfortable that I do not dread going back to at the end of the day. I want my loved ones to be safe and healthy. I want friends and mentors and the occasional invitation to Sunday lunch. I want to worship without shame, without frustration, without worrying about a hundred things I have to do. These are the things I want. This is my "happiness" that I have thrown heavenward in the hopes that God will hear and fulfill.

And then I step back, and look around. And realize how happy I already am. And that maybe God's been taking care of me along. And maybe it's time to start praying words of thanks instead of words of request.

A Final Reflection

2008-03-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

10:03pm

In this moment three years ago I was driving. I was alone in my little white Mazda pickup truck, driving out of town to go spend Easter with my Grandma and Grandpa. I was probably listening to the soundtrack of Evita-- my favorite CD for road-trips, at that time-- and I was eating a chicken sandwich I had picked up from Arby's. It's funny the little details about that night that have come back to me over time. I remember that there was a surprising lack of traffic, considering it was a holiday weekend. I remember almost taking the wrong exit. I remember how dark it was. I don't remember passing that other car. And I don't remember how it happened-- but I do remember the flash of trees in my headlights and the surreal, calm, horrible way that time slowed down and my mind sped up, so that I understood in that moment exactly what was happening.

Oh Lord, don't take me now.

The first year was my year of physical healing. Learning to walk again. Learning to tell the difference between good pain and bad pain. Learning to pick things up, make a fist, snap my fingers, play my guitar, and raise my arm high enough to do my own hair. Figuring out how to do normal things-- like get dressed and move furniture and type quickly and change a light-bulb-- with one hand. That was a hard year, but it was a year of praises. Of telling people how God had rescued me from certain destruction. Of seeing the beauty and joy and utter shortness that make life worth living.

The second year was a year of emotional healing. Because once my body had mostly healed, my mind was free to wander back to that dark moment. And dwell there. At first I could not sleep, because behind my closed eyelids I was haunted by the memories of that night. And then I slept too much. And it affected my schoolwork and my job, and even my friendships. This was a harder year than the first year. Even when things improved, I could not look at myself without seeing the scars that climb my arm.

The third year was a year of moving on. This year I sometimes forgot the scars. I sometimes forgot the wreck. I sometimes forgot the pain. It was a year of forgetting the event itself and taking on, wholeheartedly, the path on which it had flung me. And this path was strewn with good things: feeling beautiful, moving away, succeeding in school, making new friends, graduating, getting a job, finding love, and becoming more myself than I ever was before. Even the sad moments-- having my heart broken, making bad decisions, being diagnosed with arthritis, missing my loved ones-- were brief, or at least made better by the joys and blessings in my life.

Every year I have marked time by this event, and reflected on it with others and in my blog, and written letters, and said prayers... and I know I will forever feel the scars of that night; I will always sense the upcoming anniversary like an animal feels the electricity before a storm. But I also sense that next year my reflections will remain inward: March 25th, 1am. The anniversary of my survival. A night to quietly remember close-calls and to celebrate second chances. Not because it is less significant to me, but because it is insignificant to the world.

prayer

2008-03-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

Lord
I am unknowing
and uncertain.
I look all around me in confusion.
I long to decipher
this path laid out before my feet.
Am I obedient?
Rebellious?
Father
my world teeters
on the edge of distress
and I call out to you
again.
Three years ago
I cried out to you
and you showed me your grace
and I learned to fear
my Lord.
Now I ask
only
that you show me a clear path
a light to follow
through the bramble.
I cry out to you,
Oh Lord.
Oh Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
Amen.

Return to Sender

2008-03-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

The church I went to in A-town had these black and white "Note" cards in the backs of every pew. I am sure the original intent was that they would be used by people to take notes during the sermons. But I think most people used them for drawing on (the little kids), making paper airplanes (HS students), and passing notes back and forth (college students... and I'm sure the occasional parent).

At some point I began to use these cards to write down my prayers. These prayers ranged from hopeful to turbulent, simple to verbose, a few sentences to front and back. If I had been brave I'd have prayed these words aloud with one of my close friends, but instead I quietly covered cards with ink that only God would read. I slipped these timidly into my Bible, into my purse, into my pocket. Later these prayers would migrate along with my other posessions, until many of them would be lost.

But sometimes, when I least expect it, and sometimes when I need it most, I find one of these black and white cards, covered in the prayerful dreams and promises and fears and concerns of a college student. And I am astounded by the depth of the words that I don't even remember writing. I am surprised by the hope in some and the depressive nature of others. It is like the most secretive thoughts of a person I forgot I once knew.

These days I do not write down my prayers. I whisper them as I lie awake at night or get ready in the mornings. I speak them aloud to the infants in my care on a quiet Sunday morning. Perhaps pieces of them make it into the songs I write. I know that God hears them all the same, and answers them in His own way, regardless of the mode of expression. But where my prayers once returned to bless me in their lost-and-found way, the ones I daily utter now fall only on the ears and eyes of God. Perhaps I should write them down. And someday recall the trials and hopes and happy moments and whistful concerns of being a 20-something in LR. Perhaps I will.

Remember this??

2008-02-20T11:16:00.000-08:00

This was on the radio as I was driving in the car today. Remember it? It's been YEARS. And HERE is a link to the youtube Baz Luhrmann music video.

Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

move over DP....

2008-02-14T13:30:00.001-08:00

As long as I can remember I have LOVED Dr.Pepper.

So imagine my surprise, when all of the sudden all I want to drink is A&W Rootbeer. The first couple of times I chose rootbeer of DP I didn't think much of it. I sometimes do like to have rootbeer to shake things up.

But it's been.... almost 3 weeks now. 3 weeks is a long time! Today I got a Dr.Pepper at lunch and halfway through began to wish it was rootbeer. That's when I knew something strange was going on.